I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday.
I went to see a friend and we were planning new projects/ work endeavours as we’re going to be collaborating and working together in the near future.
My friend has a way of speaking which just makes things click for me. She gives me lots of different epiphanies. I often feel like I’m the filter between her very abstract way of speaking and the general public’s way of understanding.
We (like usual) were speaking about life, the universe and everything. I shared with her all the strange encounters I’ve been having with people lately. Catching up on all my funny bridget jones stories from the last month. I tend to attract really strange and chaotic interactions with people despite the fact that I really am just minding my own business 90% of the time. I spoke about how (as amusing as it all is) I feel really guarded, and how I want to let my defences down but feel like I’m genuinely unable to.
With it being the festive season where being single is considered an illness, we got onto the topic of relationships. I said that I was open to having one, but admittedly a bit put off my the idea.
I told her that I felt like people would trap me. They don’t really get me, and they box me in and give me labels and have an idea of what I am supposed to be in their heads. When I don’t live up to that, I’ve somehow ‘disappointed’ or ‘frustrated’ them, because I didn’t live up to some kind of promise that I never made.
I really value my freedom and I wouldn’t want to compromise it for anything.
She told me to define my freedom- and I couldn’t really answer her.
So today I had spare time and I really thought to myself ‘what is freedom?’.
I wrote a list.
Freedom to me is being able to go wherever I want whenever I want.
Being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.
Being able to see whoever I want whenever I want.
Isn’t that the standard definition of freedom?
But something was still missing, because that didn’t explain why I was so insistent to be alone.
I often find people who wanna join me for the ride, but that doesn’t mean I want their company.
So I thought a little more, and I dropped the topic for a bit and got on with some work.
But then all of a sudden, when I wasn’t thinking about it, it clicked.
Freedom to me is the ability to just evolve and do my thing without judged and labelled. Being able to dabble with things without being attached to them. Not being restricted by the disapproving ‘uuuhhhh why are you doing that’ of people who just don’t get it.
Bottom line is, I don’t want to be told off for being who I am, and I don’t want to have to hold myself back or water myself down in order to be with a person.
When I realised that my definition of freedom was so particular, I completely understood why it was so important to figure out what my freedom is before I open up to the idea of having company.
I’m just refusing to be in that kind of dynamic where I’m ‘letting someone down’ by being me. I just want to be understood.
And I think that’s actually probably the reason why a lot of people are single. I’m okay with it because I always sort of felt like I’ve been ‘on my own’ for a reason. If you don’t understand the lesson behind your single-ship it can feel like rejection and be painful.
If people resist being single, they usually try altering their methods.
Often times people sell themselves based off what they think other people want to hear.
I was speaking with another friend about her experience with dating apps (bleugh).
She was on Plenty Of Fish or something, and there are loads of options to narrow down what you want.
‘I’m looking for a committed relationship’, ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’, ‘Just having a look’.
Yet people will say ‘I’m looking for a committed relationship’ because they think it widens their market, and then on a date will reveal ‘ah yeah I’m not looking for anything to be fair’.
People do it all the time in dating apps, real life, you name it.
Its this phenomenon where people are dying to be loved and accepted and get their own way because they don’t think that they’d be accepted for who they are.
But then obviously the cracks will show.
You can’t get close to a person while you’re keeping up an act otherwise you’ll become really unhappy. It’s not sustainable to live in resistance like that.
If you go ‘oh I’m really spiritual yeah’ and someone then wants to talk to you about ghosts all the time, but the fact is that the concept of ghost bores you to death- obviously the thing you had in common was a false foundation.
When people gradually reveal more and more of their true selves, their respective partners may realise that what they bought into isn’t what they were sold.
It’s an incompatibility.
Whoever was holding back their true selves now feels rejected and unlovable due to a simple incompatibility.
If you find yourself single and unlucky in love it might be that you’re just being guided to figure out who you are and be unashamed to have it all out on the table. Relationships when you don’t know who you are or what you’re trying to do are usually just distractions. You can’t find yourself in another person if you’re being unintentional with relationships looking for some kind of empty love.
Good relationships don’t necessarily have to be a life sentence, you might just be enjoying the company of a temporary person for the sake of learning a lesson. That doesn’t have to be an unpleasant experience.
That is the ramble for today. Maybe someone got something out of hearing it.