It wouldn’t be that much of a balanced argument if I wrote an article based off of why nice guys finish last and not an article which speaks of why girls choose to chase someone who is unavailable rather than to receive someone who is willing to give.
Im separating these articles because both masculine and feminine energies have their own baggage. We all have our part to play and we all have our own shit. We are all responsible for healing our own hurts, and we have no business blaming others for the way we turned out- but we can hurt others through being broken.
The dilemma of women going for a guy who doesn’t treat her well is an issue which has come about from YEARS of programming which has been ingrained in women, which we are finally beginning to wake up to and become frustrated at.
To give you a straight answer, if a girl goes for someone who will treat her awfully before giving someone who will treat her well a second thought it is because she is blind to the fact that she is worthy of more, it is because she has been taught that she must work to earn love and approval, it’s simply because she’s not ready to receive that kind of good treatment. She doesn’t realise her worth. As a wise old elf called John green once wrote, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. We have been programmed to believe that love is something we must earn by overextending ourselves and putting ourselves secondary to others. It’s not. And this is a toxic belief. Women need to let go, not smother.
Women have been taught both consciously and subconsciously that we are the providers, the carers. We put our heart and souls into things and we have been taught to do the same for our families. We have been taught to nurture and to care. This is a great quality, it is extremely valuable and it is something which has carried humanity very far- but the same way that an out of balance masculine veers down a slippery slope to toxic masculinity, an out of balance feminine can slide down the same slippery slope into hyper femininity- which is just as horrendous by the way.
Hyper femininity is being overly emotional and driven by feeling. Logic goes out the window. It is manipulation and tantrums and sulking and chasing people because this woman feels as though she would rather be with someone who doesn’t treat her right, who she wants to train up to be someone good, because she’s scared to let go and take a chance on something different. She’s too attached because she’s been taught to believe that she deserves the payoff for all her hard work to be this guy turning round and treating her right. She needs the approval. She doesn’t trust that everything will work out okay. She can’t stand the in between of being alone and providing her own self worth. She’s blind to her own independence and badassery. She would rather stay small.
For as long as people are out of balance, all their relationships will be too.
There are girls who stay with people who they don’t really have much of a connection with simply because they “treat them right” and feel bad for leaving them because they don’t have a “valid reason”. Women are taught what they should want and should accept. This is why some women may find themselves in a relationship which is functional on paper, but it’s not what they want really. They’re scared to say that they want more because they “should” be satisfied. They’re scared of what happens if they leave it behind; which is when one of two things happen. Either, the woman will rebel and go off on a mad one breaking the heart of her partner because she’s bottled up too much emotion for too long, or she will go mad under the pressure and live a life being unsatisfied.
Often times men are programmed to believe that being good to a woman means not disagreeing with her, providing for her all the time, worshipping the ground she walks on. This is unrealistic. It’s not real.
A balanced and functional relationship has arguments, and disagreements, it has two people who will have differing opinions and tell each other when they think the other person is being out of order because love is like a constant journey to being your best version. It’s not arguing and thinking “well that’s that then, see ya”. You’re supposed to elevate each other. If a relationship is built off this fake ideal of “yes sweetie” “anything for you darling” then there’s no real communication or care. It will break down and fall apart.
Once again, I am not condoning women being hyper feminine or excusing any hurt caused by this. It’s unfair, but it’s unfair on both parts. At the end of the day, its not a game of who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s a mission of where each of us fucked up and how we can work on ourselves to become healthy and available, to be love and spread it.