17 year old self, what a journey you have ahead of you.
What I really want to do in life is to just be able to help people. Help people be their best selves living their best lives.
When you don’t know what you want with your career, you’ll look for a relationship.
For some reason, you think that it will make you feel less lost.
Sure, you won’t really be going anywhere with your life, but at least you’re not alone. You think at least you’ll feel less ‘empty’.
Sometimes we have an ideal in our head of something that’s just the best thing ever.
There is a difference between reality and fantasy.
You fantasise about relationship that falls into your lap with some larger than life, beautiful, sensitive bad boy who is always good to you. Just in the knack of time. You’ll spend your life together and you’ll travel together, and you’ll go through thick and thin, growing, all the while in love.
Doesn’t matter how tough you are, how strong you are, how smart you are; you will have to learn that you can’t plan out your life.
You’ll have this ideal in your head, and someone who actually catches your interest (because they’re just as confused as you) will barge into your life.
They’re different. Heart eye emoji.
All of a sudden, everything they do is through rose tinted glasses. Nothing anyone says or points out about them will change your opinion of them. To you, they are everything.
It’s okay, you’re learning.
Because you like the idea of them, and you haven’t really got any other sense of direction, you begin to romanticise them.
You begin to think that they’re someone that they really aren’t. You think that their behaviour towards you will change, you think they just need to grow or realise something or snap out of it. They were so good to you at first. You think if they got a different job, or if they got some finances, or some more love from you they might change. But they won’t. They never will, because they don’t want to change. It’s just gonna be life playing on a loop. The same scene with different people surrounding it. The same festival every year.
It’s a plain fact that some people don’t want to change, and never will change. It’s a lesson that we will all learn at some point in life. Despite how much we protest and insist ‘that will never happen to me’. That’s what they all say.
All of a sudden, after a lot of violations, you wake up to reality and this dream comes crashing down around you. But you’ll get over it. You’ll realise that it was all just a dream. The reality which lay behind the fantasy all along was a life that you didn’t really want anyway. It was false, it was full of pretending that things were going to get better, pretending you didn’t mind that you were spoken to a certain way. Pretending that you were okay with putting your life on hold.
You don’t really want that, Becky. You want to be successful, authentic, happy. You want to move, experience. You want something real, you want finances, you don’t want to have to watch someone choose cocaine over you. You don’t want someone who turns on a head and sees other girls and makes you feel like you’re not enough. You don’t want to know that they talk shit about you because you make them feel bad about themselves without even meaning to.
There is nothing that they’re giving you. You’re bleeding yourself dry.
You aren’t sad because you missed out on something, you’re sad because you have to face reality. But that’s okay. Now, life begins.
You don’t have to give up on dreaming, or being optimistic, or fantasising about the future. You just have to balanced enough to fantasise about the future without attaching people to your future.
Remember when you just left college and you didn’t know what to do so you thought you wanted a relationship?
You didn’t really want a relationship. You wanted your purpose.
You want to help people. That’s your purpose.
You just can’t help this one person. They don’t want to be helped.
So while it sucks that you have to let go of this ‘twin flame’ delusion that made you feel high as a kite, you got what you wanted.
You should be proud of the person you’ve become.
Maybe the next thing that will make you feel high as a kite won’t be something that was always destined to fall.