To Be Suicidal Without Wanting to Die

I was inspired to write this by the article linked below.

It is natural to find yourself in a state of boredom and discontentment when the life you live doesn’t give you the excitement and satisfaction we are calling for.

Our suicidal thoughts stem from an overwhelming urge to break free from normality and routine. Though the life of structure and comfort we have become accustomed to should be giving us no cause for complaints, there is something within us that calls out for more.

Every time we fall down a hole we manage to convince ourselves that we are unable to ever get back out again.
Every time we make someone laugh after having not smiled for days, every time we offer relationship advice after having felt alone for as long as you can remember, every time we agree to work a shift a few days in advance despite not envisioning ourselves being able to make it that far we are left questioning what the point is. Why are we struggling to stay afloat? Why do we feel so empty?
We get to a point of numb where the only thing we feel is hurt, which seems to manifest itself as a physical weight on your chest. We begin to feel guilty for not being able to feel happiness for others, or feeling good about having made them smile; because we are so stuck in this cycle of unhappiness that we envy those who feel. We are desperate for a saviour, desperate for someone to help, desperate for someone to relieve us of our pain and yet no matter how much we feel as though we communicate this, we are unheard. We may not be alone, but we are unheard.
We feel loathing towards our ‘weakness’ as we seem to find ourselves begging the universe for a sign to continue. It can feel almost as though suicide would be a dignified way out.
This does not make us bad people, this does not make us pathetic people, and this does not make us selfish people. This makes us lost people. People, who are desperate to be recharged, have purpose, feel enjoyment again.
It is not our time to call it a day now. Not yet. We have shit to do.
We have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. We have to be our own savior. Receiving support and help off others is an incredibly key part of recovery, but ultimately we are to make ourselves proud. Just as we see no point in living our lives, there is no point in ending it. What’s the use in suffering without having it all being worthwhile? What’s the worth of pain if we don’t rise from it and use it to spring ourselves into a future which has us looking back on it with borderline amusement, because of how distant we have become from it?

The first few steps forward are always the hardest. Trying to find direction in a whirlwind of head fog. Trying to restructure life in a way which allows us to break free from toxic patterns which reaffirm our beliefs that there is no point. We can envision where we want to be in the distant future, but getting from here to there seems utterly unattainable, so gaining motivation is also a struggle.
Don’t be overwhelmed. Don’t believe your own lies. Contentment is always attainable.
The first step is to withdraw. Be there for yourself.
Notice the difference between withdrawal and isolation. Make your nearest and dearest aware that you are in desperate need of yourself. Surround yourself with those who are good for you, and simply recharge. It is hard to not be at people’s beckoned calls to offer advice, accompany them on a night out, be persistent to see the good in them. It is difficult to say ‘no’, because at your core you don’t want anybody to experience the pain or loneliness of feeling like there is no one there. Remember that this process is not as long as it feels, and the world as you know it will not stop spinning because you have put yourself on charge. You need to be your best you not only for yourself, but for those around you.
Take this time to inspect your life, with gentleness and care. What do you want? What do you want to eliminate from your life? What makes you happy, what makes you feel drained? What must you replace with something healthier?

The liberating thing about having reached rock bottom is that you have nothing to lose. Instead of killing yourself, kill what it is that no longer serves you. Having nothing lands you in the perfect position to take risks. What can you start doing to make you happy? Now is not the time for low vibrational thoughts such as ‘that’s a childish goal’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘that’s unachievable and impractical’. Simply do what makes you happy.
(Personally I have found holistic methods and shadow work to be extremely helpful, but if you are not hippy dippily inclined do whatever you gotta do).
Once you have formulated some kind of theoretical foundation for how to get where you need to be, it is time to return to the world. Do so with confidence. You have not become a recluse, you are not a freak. You are picking yourself up and carrying on, you are strong. You do not need validation to believe this about yourself, and those who do not see the respectability of what you are doing can fuck off. They are at a lower level of understanding; they have not experienced the pain you have felt. They are not bad people; they are simply unable to understand. You have no business seeking validation from those who have not yet reached your level.
Put your theory into practice and begin cutting ties with that which sucked you into a downwards spiral. Do so with love, not resentment. Thank the experience for having landed you in a wiser and more powerful place, and let it go. It is done. You’re on a path which leads onwards and upwards.
Set an end date for anything which seems long term, prison like, and drains the life out of you. Trade in a job which makes you desperately unhappy for the sake of good pay and a resentfully comfortable life for a job which may not be long term, but aids you in seeing a light at the end of a tunnel. Work which seems worthwhile despite not being particularly challenging or worth sticking around for, but gives you the income you need while you search for what it is you truly want for a career, helps you save for something you’ve always wanted to do, or funds you in developing a skill which you eventually wish to pursue. Any kind of work which aids you in striving for happiness is worthwhile and respectable. Like Dawn from the Office said to Tim, “It is better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb than mid-way up a ladder that you don’t”.
Most importantly, do what makes you happy. That which makes you happy without the weight of addiction, hangovers, and unhealthy elements attached to it. We fall into a trap of taking things so seriously. Live simply and do what feels right, spend time with those who make you happy, strike a balance between saving money and taking the odd trip with pals to keep you going, just have a laugh wherever possible. The world needs some more light-heartedness, at the end of the day we’re all just trying really hard. There is nothing to be glorified about brutal unhappiness.
Good luck.

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