thoughts from Romania

I spent a few days in Romania last week- my best friend and I went to Bucharest. We did that wowcher mystery holiday thing- it was sids idea.

These are some profound thoughts from such a small and spontaneous trip, but at the risk of sounding pretentious I’ll share.

I’ve got a newfound love for adventuring and travelling and exploring. I’ve got a few visits to a number of different countries lined up to visit friends, au pair, or just to experience before I move up north. When I start moving I have a hard time going back to normal, so I’m trying to avoid having to come back.

At the airport yesterday my inner child felt like it was having a hissy fit about having to go ‘home’. My friend and I were looking up flights- and I could have carried on to Russia or Spain for a fiver. I wanted to go to Italy, or Ireland, anywhere else.

I’m writing this as I’m making my way to Liverpool Street from my mates flat. Reluctantly, I go back to my day job tomorrow. Have to finish my sentence before I leave.

If you don’t quite get something yet and if you haven’t learned all your lessons from a circumstance, the likelihood is that you’ll stay in it until you’ve grown out of it. It can feel like we’re trapped sometimes, but feeling trapped is victim mentality and it will only keep you stuck where you are.

In going to this job my focus shifted and I’ve been made to explore my life purpose. My potential. What I can do and what I feel drawn to learn about.

When I have evolved out of this, I’ll be aligned with the next thing effortlessly and leaving will be easy.

For now, I’m just observing things that I don’t want to become.

I just keep noticing how people’s fear holds them back from their potential. It used to hold me back too.

People say to me that they don’t know how I go to London by myself to see my friends because they’re almost stuck in the safety net of suffolk.

And my friend who I thought was brave for living in London by herself says that I’m brave for going to interviews in unknown cities by myself and au pairing and wanting to go outside of England.

I think that people I follow on Instagram who travel are brave because they embrace the uncertainty of travelling without a motive.

But when I see something that I admire, I become it. I was always told to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.

It’s not bravery so much as it is the fact that I would go mad if I didn’t.

I’m not a special snowflake- I just feel like that’s what life is all about. Becoming a person that you are content and at peace with and proud of.

Fear is what blinds people into staying small. We convince ourselves that we aren’t like the person we would like to be by creating emotional barriers. “They’re luckier than I am”, “they’re richer than I am”, “they have more people around them than I do”. These are all things that we attract and create.

Who says we can’t be lucky? Or become rich? Who says we cant have such an attractive energy that people flock to us?

What separates us from the person we want to become other than the stories we tell ourselves about why we ‘can’t’ have things?

We become the person that fits in our lives, our lives aren’t cages that we need to fit in to.

When I left Romania I had an entirely different outlook on it to when I first arrived- and although I already understood the importance of travelling and broadening your horizons I’m just feeling my outlook on life expand just from this one experience.

It is so mad to me how we all have different paths to go down in life. And the speed at which our paths can change strikes me with a sense of awe too. This time last year I was slowly realising that there was so much more to life than the sense of security was hoping for- and I made a vow that I would do something that scares me for every week that I was 20.

It’s frustrated me when things haven’t worked out, and it taught me about how I can’t control everything, and it taught me how challenging it is to keep your eyes open and full of hope when stuck in the confounds of an office with monotony and closed minded colleagues. But it’s made me expand, and grow, and become a person that I always want to find out more about.

What am I capable of? Who can I meet? What can I learn? How are things going to work out for me?

When you grow up you’re taught to be quite afraid of self exploration because people will tell you to get your head out of your arse. But why? So I can serve somebody else who has their head up someone else’s arse and cannot care for themselves as a result?

I think we should all have our heads up our arses at least a little bit more. Exploring ourselves, our faults, our strengths, our soul essences and what we came here to do. Exploring just how similar we are to the person next to us when everything else is stripped away. Exploring how fascinating it is to be outside of our comfort zone.

And when you have your head so far up your arse that all you can feel is bliss- in spite of the noise of your surroundings, in spite of the faults of yourself and of others; that’s when you feel bravery.

In following what brings you happiness you fit in the world exactly as you were meant to, and ironically, when you serve yourself you serve the world. I write because I enjoy it first and foremost. Yet people enjoy what I say and they get something from it. I’m just doing it to make me happy. If I came into money, I would set up a shelter because it would make me feel good to know other people were safe because of my success. It’s selfish and it works.  

That’s the beauty of having your head up your own arse.

People look outside of themselves at relationships is in order to try and fill this desire to explore. They try to have a sheltered adventure by thinking someone else will show them who they are.

People spend so much time trying to find what they want in another person, and how they want to serve a partner. But it’s just about how you want to feel. How are you supposed to attract what you want to feel if you haven’t given yourself that feeling? If you haven’t explored the way you want it to fit around your life- as opposed to trying to mould yourself into somebody else’s?

A person will not give you what the awe of life can but they can give you a reminder of what you felt in that moment.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 20 years of living, and I’ve learned a lot- it’s that being a visitor in someone else’s life is not a pleasant way of seeing yourself.

So in this ramble I encourage you to explore the world. Not because it’s something you need to do in order to ‘find yourself’- people explore the world blindly all the time without getting much from it.

But if exploring the world will bring you perspective, I encourage you to do it.

Languages all sound like noise, buildings all look somewhat the same, and the sun and moon still rise in turn- but your perspective will change in recognising these similarities amongst all the differences.

I am surrounded by a huge amount of people. I have a big family, I have friends across the world, I am one person in a big city. But I am always alone, and that is where I find my peace.

If you came here to know about the country- it’s fascinating. Eclectic, surprising, and they make really cool Kitsch. Do not judge what you don’t understand.

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