I’ve written a couple of blogs before about drugs/alcohol and psychic ability.
Well this is another one I guess.
I am aware of the dangers of drugs, I am aware that they are to be respected. I’m aware that you need to be in the right place, headspace, and you do not even need drugs to experience the wonders of life.
But there is no moral high ground and there is no shame to drugs.
Which is one of the many things I learned while I was tripping balls on acid.
For a very long time I rejected the concept of drugs and separated myself from those who use particular drugs. I admit to even naming some drugs ‘dirty’.
I now realise no substance has the moral high ground.
All of these things are substances to be respected, all these things are substances that will show you a shadow side or a elevated side of yourself.
I have a bit of a shamanic mind. I always have. I read tarot, do astrology and in recent years I’ve been really in to learning from elders and embracing that side of me. For exactly a year now I have been friends with a shaman who has informally mentored me and who has taught me so much about life and how to use your mind/ soul.
While on this acid trip, I realised so much about myself.
I have a drummed in understanding that psychedelics (drugs of any kind) can be a really transformative and powerful tool. These substances are used in treatments and therapies, so the concept of people just banging this stuff and raving always confused me.
I smoked weed a lot when I was younger, for one or two years I smoked it most days. I got a lot out of it, I learned a lot and used it for spiritual purposes. But then I got into the trap of using it to socialise, feeling like I needed it to sleep, and using it to repress sadness.
The way I allowed myself to become dependent on this medicinal substance put me off it and made me judgemental of it. I ended up projecting my frustration towards myself on to those who do it. I guess this was a bit of an indirect protection tactic, trying to separate myself from temptation and association with the drug so that I wouldn’t get to that place again.
That was my fault. I didn’t love myself fully, so I decided to not love others fully and unconditionally.
Acid helped me to realise that the way I see other people is a huge reflection of myself. I would have been able to tell you that anyway, but the more I leaned into the trip and flowed with the realisations that came to me, free to trust and love and forgive myself all the way through it; the more I realised things I had not looked at before.
I delved down that thought path a little more.
If I judge people as a projection of my own fear and distrust of self, where does that come from?
Where has that coping mechanism come from?
Before the weed. Where have I used it in my life?
Whilst tripping, I stalked my own twitter.
I’ve been staying away from social media (mainly twitter) since watching the social dilemma.
But I’ve had social media as a second appendage since I was like 13 years old. We are desensitised to it, we see other people using it, and it becomes normal to just tweet out any inner turbulence, judgement, negative thought, passing ideas.
You end up with a side of yourself that is documented through your posts which you may not even like.
And it’s just out there. You could revisit that tweet a year or even a day later and not be that same person, but the tweet is there. Until you remember to delete it.
So I stalked myself.
It was like I met myself from a different non-biased person eyes. In having an understanding of myself, I was able to realise why I tweeted things that seem to rash and negative. And I was able to forgive myself and acknowledge to not repeat that behaviour, because ultimately it does not serve my highest good. It is not an act of self love.
In reading these tweets I identified two sides of myself.
The me I am becoming; who is also the me I am authentically. The soul I am, the person I would be if I hadn’t have gone through general life experiences which wounded me and caused me to adapt coping mechanisms.
And I met the me I learned to be. The me that altered herself when she felt wounded and hurt. This me was the one I did not like the look of, but I was grateful to see her. I just sent her love and she went away.
The me I learned to be was judgemental because as a child, somewhere along the line, she was made to feel stupid for not knowing about life yet. Not knowing how to operate in the world yet.
As a coping mechanism she learned to look down on people so she could rise above them and defend herself. She learned to be a know it all, she learned to talk even when it wasn’t needed.
But those coping mechanisms were just because I didn’t know any better. I realised I didn’t need those coping mechanisms anymore because no child is stupid for not knowing the world yet. I would never judge or punish a child, or make them feel stupid for not knowing something before they’ve had the opportunity to learn it.
We just learn the world as we go along, there is no right or wrong way to learn.
I then realised where that cycle had replayed in my life, and why I grew up so sensitive to criticism and being told I was wrong.
I saw the hurt I felt and how I contributed to my own hurt and I felt like I needed to hug myself. So the medicine (LSD) did it’s thing, I felt an overwhelming surge of love, and the coping mechanism was gone.
So I understood I did not need to do that anymore.
I felt no judgement to anyone and the way they lived their life.
What they do is none of my business.
So by this point I was looking at my identity and who I have become.
I noticed how these two people portrayed themselves on social media.
Authentic me was loving and warm and kind. She was open minded.
Learned behaviour me was pushy. She learned that she was good enough but she didn’t know that everyone else knew she as good enough. She felt the ned to prove herself.
This is the ‘I was right!’ version of me. The wounded female in me, who had been hurt and adopted a nagging coping mechanism.
She felt like she had to take on the role of more masculine figures in society in order to gain the respect she wanted. She felt she had to talk too much and prove herself in order to be listened to and treated as valid.
I saw this for what it was. It was obnoxious. But I love myself unconditionally. I know that despite how this looks, I am good at heart. The authentic me is warm and kind. She is the divine feminine.
So it’s time I allowed myself to sink into that role, because that’s what feels comfortable.
The woman who is secure, safe in her identity, silently knowing that she creates an impact just by existing is the woman who heals others. She’s the medicine woman of the tribe.
Knowing that I love and honour myself, the medicine did it’s thing and I experienced another wave of intense self love and joy. These are the parts of the acid trip where you want to dance, where you love music more, everything looks so intensely wonderful. It’s a purge but it’s so nice. I felt myself shed that skin and embody this non-judgemental woman. I really got to understand myself.
Some other notes from the trip is that I saw how the human plane is ‘just a movie’ for everyones individual soul growth missions.
This is a concept I knew about and had a grasp of before acid, but in doing acid I really felt and understood this. I embodied it.
Every career, every piece of work, everything plays its role in society. Every war, political event, every time humanity rebels against a perceived ‘hierarchy’ (like the government)- that is everybody healing a part of their inner wounding and wanting to change humanity.
That part may only make sense to me, so I won’t expand on it.
I dropped the acid very spontaneously while I was in a room at uni full of people doing ket, MD, coke.
I knew I did not want to do ket or MD. I had a lot of judgement about them before this trip.
I trust psychedelics more because I know more about them and I can clearly see how they are a medicine.
I guess it’s because people who do party drugs do it to party. Not because they were raised the way I was with the brain that I have. When they’re in a kethole they don’t see themselves as having a spiritual crisis and facing their shadow side, they see themselves as in a kethole. They don’t notice themselves becoming more aggressive because they aren’t aware that they’re refusing to lean into and accept a side of themselves they don’t like; they’re just living as they normally would with heightened emotion and alertness.
People prone to psychedelics may be more willing to put up with the long trip because psychedelics are known as a bit more spiritual and mind altering (?).
I don’t know.
Again, I say this with no judgement. This is just my understanding (for now).
I do drugs to learn about life, and partying is a side affect. This is just how I have learned to see it; no way of doing these things is wrong enough to make a person bad.
In the past, before acid, it made me kind of sad and a little put off to see people get stuck in the trap of drugs when they could instead be used to unlock a whole part of your mind.
I had ex love interests who had bad relationships with drugs, and they brought out a really nasty and scary (slightly traumatising) side to these people. So I associated the anger and resentment I had for these people’s shadow sides with the drug. I became angry at the drug.
I became angry at the types of people who did this drug, and I decided that these substances didn’t really have any place in my perception of spirituality anymore because you can quite frankly get the transformational benefits of it without the risk.
You can lean into a trip, and you can learn so much from one. And when you go through it while embracing yourself and loving yourself the whole way through, you transform.
From my understanding of drugs being a transformational tool, I see it as a type of holistic medicine.
Once you’ve done it, you get what you need from it, you thank it; and there should not be all that much of an impulse to do it again.
It is fun. So there is no judgement to anyone who wants to do it again. There is no judgement full stop after that 16 hour ride.
I might even do it again in years to come, but I don’t feel like I have to. I don’t have an itch..
I know what I felt and I know what I learned, and I know that was all in me. Not the drug. So I can now experience those things while sober.
Coming off this acid trip, I knew that I was a changed person. But I know it’s not because of the acid on it’s own. I would have learned all that I learned from acid in a few months from life experiences and flowing with them. Flowing with the pain and looking at it from different perspectives. I do this in my day to day life, and I document the ways I change on this blog.
But the acid fast tracked me and sped up the process. In the same way weed does sometimes, but maybe a little more intense.
Those are my thoughts. They felt profound enough to share and not to just be a diary entry. I’m not ashamed of doing it because any judgement placed on me of a reflection of another person’s discomfort. And that has nothing to do with me.