I think there is still a small part of every kid that was bullied and made to feel small that still wants to lash out and throw everybody under the bus.
I definitely still feel that from time to time. It comes and goes. But I one day want to feel nothing but compassion for anyone who has hurt me, just for the sake of my own peace. And I think a big part of that comes from me turning the experience on its head and sharing what I’ve learned.
I am now at a point in my life where I am doing better than a lot of people who bullied me. I feel like I’m a lot happier.
You will feel that too one day too once you’ve learned all you gotta learn. It will all pass. Even quicker when you get to know how cool you are.
Bullying is all about knowing you have a certain power that somebody else lacks and abusing that power with intent to make them feel bad.
The happiness and wisdom I gained from feeling terrible and literally wanting to die as a kid is now my power.
It’s only when I feel unhappy that I am resentful of them, and I don’t want to become a bully myself by shoving my on and off happiness in people’s faces and being like “HAHA DONT YOU WISH YOU WERENT SO HORRIBLE ALEXA PLAY LOOK AT ME NOW BY CHR*S bR*WN”.
I don’t want to make people feel bad because that will always result in me feeling bad in turn.
That would just be my way of letting the world know that my ‘happiness’ was a lie, and it would just be me advertising the fact that I hadn’t healed. It would be cringe, basically.
When I was a kid and I would come sit all alone in my room after a long hard day of hiding in toilets and wondering why nobody liked me, I’d watch movies like ‘the Cyberbully’ (jesus christ), ‘Easy A’, ‘odd girl out’ (i don’t even wanna talk about it) or some other inspirational trash like that.
And in my little sad but still kind of optimistic brain I would think about ways I’d make my bullies all feel sorry.
Whether that be by glowing up and leaving school and making them eat my dust (lmao) (I did try that), or by some other dark means.
The message that was given to me time and time again was ‘your happiness will come from winning’.
‘Your happiness will come from being hot one day’.
‘Your happiness will come from your bully saying sorry and being friends with you again’.
‘Your happiness will come from the school bully getting a pizza stain on their top in front of everyone at lunch time’.
It’s genuinely funny to look back on how stupid and terribly dramatic it all is, but at the time when you’re faced with the question of ‘what the f is happiness’ that’s all you’ve got to go off really.
The people that bullied me will never apologise and even if they did it wouldn’t make a difference.
Its literally been like 6 years and who even thinks about what happened back then.
*I* think about it every time I get anxious about getting food, or dressing different, trying something new, playing about with my identity, being in literally any situation that reminds me of that time in my life.
But thats cos its a pivotal thing in my life, not theirs.
The likelihood is that they have forgotten about it, justified it to themselves, or maybe even come to believe that the fact that we were okay with each other by the end of school negates the years of me hiding in the school bathroom, being isolated, being afraid to speak or be seen by anyone, look nice, wear my hair different, be myself, have a relationship, the list goes on.
An apology wouldn’t change that.
Thats a pill that a lot of you need to swallow. It doesn’t mean that you’re damaged for life or anything like that, it means you’re just learning this lesson a little later on.
An apology wouldnt make a difference mainly because it was me that allowed myself to feel that way.
Eventually in year 9 after like, HEAVY depression from everything that was going on- I sat with a different group of people.
I knew one girl from primary school and I was introduced to her two friends from sitting with them.
And just like that I was literally the happiest I have ever been because I knew what friendship was. Friendship was all I had at that point and it lit up my life entirely. We laughed to the point where our stomachs hurt every day at lunch and break. We had sleepovers. We had a group chat and inside jokes. We just acted stupid all the time and it was the best thing.
They’re my best friends to this day (heyyyy emily B n sid how u doin).
I learned (for the first time) that it was kind of my choice to keep going back to the scenario where I was the victim.
I don’t blame myself for being bullied because yeah I was like what, 11? And I wasn’t my best self yet. But regardless of that, nobody should ever treat another person the way I was treated.
However I do accept the fact that I let them hurt me.
I chased the bullying because I thought if I pushed hard enough I would be accepted.
I allowed the behaviour inflicted on me.
Because I believed deep in my soul that I had to earn kindness.
At that point in life you need to allow yourself to start over and detach from the old version of you. You just have to start over so you can grow.
At that point in life you need someone to encourage you that whoever you are at your core is enough for this world. Anyone who doesn’t see that is meant to teach you, not have a hold on you.
My friends did that for me and to this day I count them as family for teaching me that.
I hope I can be that person for people right now because the way a simple and act of kindness shapes a person is unmatched.
You have no idea of the impact you just existing and being kind has on other people.
You think it means nothing but to someone who is not used to kindness, it means everything.
I forgive younger me because she really didn’t know or understand and I encourage you all to forgive yourselves too.
There was a lot going on with her from every angle in life and she couldn’t communicate it or feel understood, and we have to learn by doing.
Happiness isn’t about all the inspirational shit you see in teen movies.
They make a movie that catches you when you’re sad and they get you to relate to the sadness and they uplift you by helping you escape your reality and see things that would bring you instant gratification.
But happiness comes from knowing that in its own way, the world revolves around you and therefore what you pay attention to is what grows.
If you’ve been bullied it is not and was never about the bullies anyway- please don’t waste your time thinking about them and putting your energy into them because you only give more power to them by doing that.
Literally for years to come.
It’s about you feeling unlovable, unworthy, unconfident, inauthentic. And really believing that.
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
If you really believed you were the shit, nobody could tell you otherwise.
Feelings are so elastic. You can change them so quickly.
You only feel what you feel because of experiences that shaped you when you were too young to understand that not everything happening around you was personal.
Heal dat inner child.
Bullies are people who are unconscious.
They aren’t at peace with themselves.
They are basically like a puppet of their feelings and they project those feelings onto others. Sometimes strategically, sometimes just because they don’t know what else to do.
But for as long as you are intending to make somebody feel bad you are going through a really dark and lost period of life, no illusion of happiness will last for you because you don’t feel worthy of it.
If you could see what little benefit these people give you, and if you could see just how many endless options there were for you, you’d snap out of it.
So I’ve said all that I can say for now.
I’ll tell you that when I was in year 11, moved on but still very wounded, I made the decision to leave my high school and cut chords with everyone (aside from my 2 best pals) and start again without acknowledging my past at all. Not telling anyone I was bullied or anything like that.
It didn’t work to be a mystery because I couldn’t really get close to anyone.
I made friends, I love them to this day, but you can never get really close to someone if you don’t accept yourself first.
It has taken me about 3 years of crazy experiences and intense character development to be able to talk about it and be able to pass on all that I learned from being bullied. But I hope that from talking about it I will save some time on your behalf, if you’re healing from the same things.
I got into astrology when I was in sixth form because I wanted to know if it would get better, and I ended up learning that it’s so much more than just ‘will it get better’. I learned that there is so much more to life.
I got more into tarot because I wanted to know what people were thinking about me. And again, I learned that it didn’t even matter.
I got into hypnotherapy, learning about the mind, psychology, sociology, empowerment, reiki, self development; all sorts of powerful stuff that I wouldn’t have known about otherwise.
If you ask “what is this teaching me”, it will help you escape.
Here are some people that helped me grow. I’ll list their names like I’m passing the baton, and you can hear their words of wisdom if it helps you just as much.
Marissa Peers – This lady really changed my life. I saw her on a TED Talk once and I’ve been subscribed to her YouTube for a long time. She’s a celebrity hypnotherapist and the things she says just hits different. She is so comforting and full of truth.
Abraham Hicks – Dad listened to them when I was a kid and we were driving somewhere in the car so I think basic knowledge of their teachings helped me keep an open mind.
Cyndi from ‘Your Indigo Path’
Various tarot readers on YouTube – I would google my star sign, the month, and ‘tarot readings’ for a message directed at me. I wouldn’t do this now, but it helped me to open my mind more and it helped me grow at the time.
Aluna Ash 9D – This lady has a gift, but she can be difficult for some people to understand.
Laura Ansell – I found this lady on YouTube a few years ago and I feel like we have grown together without knowing each other personally. If you find people you resonate with you don’t feel so alone or crazy. You are reminded of how big the world is and how free you are.
Sloan Bella – She’s a celebrity psychic medium and she’s so secure in herself that it’s infectious. I also like hearing celebrities be channelled because I learn a lot from the other side. That’s a little bit nische for this article but I’m here to give you all I can. Leave whatever doesn’t work for you, you have your own way of understanding things.
I hope this helped, and whoever you are at your core is enough. You are lovely, you are loveable, and you are loved.