I’m feeling a type of way I haven’t felt in a long time, like something has shifted. I wondered if I would ever get this feeling back.
As cheesy as it sounds, I can feel my heart again. I want to smile, and express love and hug everything. I feel lucky and grateful for all I have. I feel like I want to take the long way round everywhere so that I can learn lessons and meet new people and let a sense of awe in my life. I feel victorious, and excited, and free.
I’m even grateful to have felt the exact opposite of this, because if I hadn’t have known the feeling of numbness and ache then I wouldn’t feel the value of being in the brighter side of life.
You have to be a vibrational match to any experience you’re meant to have- so sometimes you can’t force yourself into being in a certain state. Sometimes you have to remain unhappy to be a vibrational match to healing, and that is how you return to happiness. Or peace.
But because I feel happy and full of love now, my story has changed.
I see the world differently. I see myself, I see all there is about life to be grateful for, and I see everything in the past that made me this happy and grateful.
I got here by myself because I couldn’t understand the teachings of others. Their wording tripped me up. I probably took the long way round by making decisions out of panic.
A lot of people try to logic the happy. Which does work to an extent, hypnotherapy and psychology goes a long way.
But sometimes you have to wait for things to shift emotionally.
When I was sad and trying to research myself happy I would hear people say ‘just change the story in your head’ and this made me angry.
Because this is (to me) a method of repression and internalised gaslighting.
But from experiencing what I imagine these people were trying to express, I understand this differently.
All emotions are necessary in life. If our story didn’t change; we would cease to exist. We cannot be zealous in this life.
When I’ve been sad, my story has been just as valid, truthful, raw and honest as it is when I am happy. The difference is that I remember all the injustices I faced in the past. I feel the emotion of being ignored, belittled, manipulated. I am reminded of everything in the world that needs purging, everything that needs to change, everything I do not ever want another person to experience.
That is relevant.
The two stories can exist alongside each other.
We are always taught to filter ourselves for the sake of other people’s feelings. And to an extent, we should. There is a time and a place for everything.
But you don’t have to filter yourself for the sake of somebody else’s feelings when it comes to your story.
Your truth is your truth, from any angle you see it.
You can be grateful and loving towards the past as well as acknowledging that it was pretty whack and damaging too.
When you understand the two can coexist, you have found acceptance.
Those who can accept that there is more to life than one perspective are those who will accept you for who you are in your entirety.
Those are your tribe.
Anybody else was not meant for you. Send them love and leave them behind.
Your story is allowed to change.
Your broad perspective of the truth (as long as it’s not brought up in a court of law) is relevant in its entirety.
When you go through life intending to be pure and raw, you can’t really do wrong.
To be the light is not to have an absence of darkness, it’s to consciously choose otherwise.
I sincerely believe that I managed to get myself to this point because I am lucky enough to have been blessed by the lockdown that happened.
I’ve been working on myself for so long that I knew I needed time away from the hole I was falling down with my job, bills, complacency. Feeling drained, trapped, suffocated, busy.
But in everything I have felt up until now;
Freedom, uncertainty, panic, liberation, inspiration, exhaustion, desperation, abundance, responsibility, independence-
I have become the person I need to be today in order to receive the blessings I get today.
You are becoming the person you need to be to get exactly what you once wished for. So remember that and dive into the uncertainty with all the space that’s been created.