I’m gonna try something kinda new where I just write without any intention of figuring stuff out.
I’ve been completely discouraged from doing this lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve overworked, or because I got a new job, or because I’m changing.
I got a real job and it’s made me see everything a bit differently. Everything shifted. It’s hard to keep your heart when you’re so engrained in what people call “the real world”.
You may be thinking like “oh big deal she got a real job! Miss attitude grew up!!” and first of all I just wanna say no, I will never grow up nor will I ever settle with something I’m not satisfied with.
I have a plan which I formed this last year of unintentional “soul searching” where the end goal is to be able to do whatever I want. In order to be able to do that, I realised that I have to rejoin the real world and play the game for a little bit. I know what I’m doing, I just don’t quite know where I’ll end up.
It’s a necessary placement for now, I’m not saying I resent it, but it’s changed me.
Things I used to get angry at, I understand. I used to get frustrated with people for seeing things in black and white, and living by the rules, and being so rigid; but now I understand. You’re in a game that’s already being played for as long as you’re in it, and it does have an affect on you. The routine makes you feel safe and although it drives you to madness, unless you have a goal at the end of the tunnel, it’s suffocatingly comfortable.
You want to feel really deeply and you want connections that feel like home and you want love, adventure, all the rest- but when you’re in the real world there’s more demand to see it and touch it and feel it because you’re doing so much a day that if you go without then you might forget. So you end up just settling for the pub, meeting with people you don’t know very well, laughing it off. It’s quite fun until you realise it’s not sustainable.
So you just end up flinging yourself from thing to thing.
Then, when things that you fling yourself to remind you that there is longevity, anxiety hits and you can’t breathe.
I feel like I’m being tested to carry through everything I’ve preached for the last year into the real world. At least for 343 days, because that’s how long my current contract with the real world lasts. Then I’m on to my next adventure. I’m being tested a lot right now, and I’m not sure what for.
I can’t write anymore (at least for the time being) because I feel like I’m spent. I’m working on a collab with another company but I wrote so much so fast that I’m temporarily burnt out. I have nothing to say that fits in with this blog right now.
I’ve been writing poetry, because I can’t do anything else. Nothing that makes sense is coming to mind, I’m just understanding things. I don’t feel anger or passion like I did this past year, it’s just kind of muted. Maybe this is meant to happen and I’ll make something out of it one day.
I can’t think about the future, or “healing”, or anything. All I can think about is how I’m surviving, and this is what I used to get mad at people for.
People message me a lot, strangers and people who don’t know me asking for advice. I’m not slating that, I am flattered, but I am just a human trying to get on with life. This is what I do, this is the kind of person I’ve built myself up to be, but it’s hard to carry that kind of “reputation” when I’m figuring stuff out. It sometimes feels like everybody wants a piece of me and it’s hard to say that I’m vulnerable right now and I don’t have the answers, I just write myself out of problems.
I’m questioning a lot of things about myself and what I do, and all I can do is be honest. I don’t know right now.
I get it. I really really get it. It is hard to face what everyone calls “reality” sometimes.