the power in just existing

trigger warning: suicide

I watched an interview by Lauren Ruth Ward as I was going to sleep last night.

She’s an artist who really resonates with me, I’m very drawn to her.

I wrote something for my Patreon about the way I understand death and such. Being a ‘medium’, or a ‘psychic’ or whatever you would like to call me, I have a different perspective on death to a lot of people I know.

I wrote this thing on my Patreon to avoid the noise of inevitable controversy that would come from me explaining death from a unique standpoint.

If people are interested enough in seeing a different perspective, they will pay a small fee, and therefore they are welcome to react whichever way they would like. But I won’t have certain information out there just for the sake of giving closed minded and hypersensitive people ammunition to try and project their shit on me.

ANYWAYS back on topic.

It was this interview.

Somewhere around the mid-point of the video, Lauren spoke about suicide.

She spoke about how she was once suicidal, and when you experience self-crisis and grief like that your life just becomes a dark pit of hanging on for other people. Hanging on because of guilt. Hanging on because other people saw a future for you that you couldn’t see for yourself (and might not have even wanted. It’s just the ideas they have for you).

So when people grieve a person who left the world by suicide, it is selfish. Not necessarily a bad thing to do, and it is a natural reaction. But really and truly grieving death is a selfish concept and I think we all know that to a certain extent. Of course you love and miss a person; but when you love and miss them, it’s your experience. You are allowed to own those feelings. Embrace it, don’t feel guilty for it, just know that death is a part of life.

When somebody commits suicide, it is their choice. They wanted to be free.

There doesn’t need to be any judgement on if it was a good or bad thing to do- let it just be a matter of understanding. Or at least be at peace with it.

Honestly, I think that is the most respectful thing you could do.

I never did it because I always wanted to hang on- and because I liked the idea of rising up from sadness, and because I have the belief that I would just reincarnate to work through all that karma anyways so I might as well work through it in this life and save the ‘having to try again’ in some other alternate universe.  I’m glad I did because I think being alive is fun now.

But I get it. It can be hard.

Lauren had a lot of balls for speaking so freely on that- but she did it well because my approach could have come out harsher.

She also spoke about something that I have written about in the past.

Being there for someone with depression.

The latest article I wrote about it is linked below, I wrote it as I was suicidal and surrounded by people who didn’t know what to do with me.

Now I’m out of the fog I can explain it clearer.

In the interview Lauren spoke about how she would be hysterical, crying and melting down.

People around her who loved her would take it personally and react to it.

“what can I do to help? What have I done?”

And Lauren would get pissed off.

I got pissed off when that was me.

It made me worse because in other people reacting to my own problems, I felt worse about having my own problems.

It ruined my relationship with a lot of people, because they seemed incapable of being there for me- which showed me that our relationship was dependent on me being a certain way.

It pissed me off that people expected me to feel okay when they tried to ‘fix’ me.

Because news flash:  

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This is MY crisis, MY self discovery, MY trauma, MY depression, these are MY feelings- and they have nothing to do with you.

Concentrate on your own baggage for christ sake.

You cannot fix madness with madness.

While I’m in my own brain having my own crisis, I can assure you I don’t care about you because I’m a bit preoccupied, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Being there for somebody with depression means being unconditional. Non-judgemental. Self-aware. GROUNDED.

If you can’t do that, please make way for somebody who can. Because somebody will.  

For Lauren, she said in the interview that person with her sister.

And what she said about that is what inspired me to write this.

She said that her sister would come in and be there while she was hysterically crying, and she would not do anything or ask any questions. She would say;

“I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m here for you”. She would just sit there and be calm.

And genuinely that is all it takes.

I don’t judge anybody for not knowing how to deal with someone close to them having depression because the depths of your soul that you travel to when you’re in that kind of headspace is something that a lot of people will never experience.

I see depression as gaining depth. Learning about yourself. The way I saw it when I was coming out of it is like one of those Japanese gold bowls (Kintsugi).

I saw it as the part of life where you gain all the cracks in order to be able to reconstruct yourself the way you were meant to be.

Anyway, if you need distance from somebody going through that it’s okay. You can just let it be known that you love someone and don’t know what to do.

People get in their head about what the ‘right’ way to respond is- and the right way to respond just comes naturally when you’re centred.

For me, I had my friend Shamanka come into my life.

She was so unshakably herself, in her own world, so sure of herself that just being around her made me calm and centred.

When I was depressed it’s because my life didn’t revolve around me, I had no idea about anything. My sense of self was shaken to the core. I felt like a manic, electric, hyperactive weight of sadness.

Shamanka felt like a comfortable darkness. Her being in my life is the most homely and calming energy I have felt because for once I felt like whatever I did or said or felt would not shake her in the slightest.

I was not a burden.

When your hysteria is met with silence and stillness, you can actually begin to listen to your hysteria.

And because she had been where I am, she was able to just talk freely without thinking about what she was saying and it helped me.

‘where does that come from?’, ‘who’s voice is that?’, ‘how can I undo that part of myself?’.

Shamanka taught me that you don’t have to even have a sense of self. You don’t have to do anything, you literally just have to be. Exist.

To her she did nothing. But to me she did everything. And that is the power of being. You can do unimaginable things for people’s well beings without even knowing, or having to put effort in.

When you can hear yourself without having the voices of social conditioning, childhood trauma, whatever other issues you have nagging away at you and dictating your life; you are at your most powerful.

I found that when I can do that and be at peace with myself unconditionally- in solitude while surrounded by people- I am mentally well.

So the purpose I found in depression is learning to be unshakable and certain of who I am. Even if I am always learning.

And that is the power of existing.

Just being able to exist and be still is the foundation for anything you want to do or achieve in life.

When you’re stable, things are fun.

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