I walked into the library a little unprepared, a little numb and generally on autopilot. It was the usual set up. The floor was filled with the buzz of chatter and people from all backgrounds setting up.
I met the organiser Amy and was brought over to my stall in the corner, a board was set up next to the table and opposite the wall as if to create a makeshift booth for me. Walking through the room I noticed a tall, blonde, slim guy sat at the head of a long table staring at me. I smiled and continued walking to my desk to set up.
I draped the usual scarves across the desk, got the cards out of their packs, my phone was subtly on charge and a glass of water had been obtained.
I was speaking to the organisers kid, my little friend who always gravitates towards my stall and likes to show me all the stamps and sweets she’s got off people throughout the day with a cheesy grin on her face. I was smiling, and I was happy to see everyone, but I was still kind of numb. I think I’d gotten used to the numbness. I was generally going through the motions, as usual.
Amy came over. “The reiki lady is doing a ceremony if you’d like to come over and join, she’s doing one before it starts and one afterwards. Might be cool”. I thanked her and actually internalised the rarity of someone doing something like this at this kind of event. Sure there are weird and wonderful people dotted about doing their reflexology and their bits and bobs, but the general vibe is ‘sell, sell, sell’.
I went to see my friend from Ostara first. Ostara therapies is the company I subcontract for, admittedly without much custom- especially as of late. She greeted me with a hug and we exchanged nightmare stories of the whirlwind that has been 2019.
Talking about what’s happened generally leaves me with a feeling of emptiness, because it’s just re-acknowledging something that your feelings aren’t changed about. A futile exchange doesn’t really change anything. You listen and nod but if we’re being completely honest has anybody ever walked away from talking about their troubles feeling a sense of relief? Definitely not when you’re talking to the wrong people, and the right people can sometimes be very hard to find.
Soon after going through a period of insanely dark depression I came to the conclusion that there was no point in talking about the past anymore. We’re all just as lost as each other, exchanging the same kinds of stories. Not to be depressing, but that’s how it’s been.
We don’t ask the questions like “what does that mean?” or “what has that taught me?” or “why?” the way we should, and if you’re always the person prompting people to ask those questions to be happy again, who will be there for you when you lose that ability yourself? If you’re always the person reading the cards and trying to help people and being the person that you need, who’s gonna help you be there for you when you can’t do that anymore?
I just give a brief overview of what’s happened when catching up because that’s the social norm.
And while I’m off on one, I feel like a fraud at this event anyway, because I can’t read tarot anymore. I can’t read for someone I’ve read for three times in the last 5 months who goes away, takes none of the advice I give them, and then sits down in front of me expecting me to give them my energy again. And I have to, because it’s ‘sell, sell, sell’.
Someone who takes my energy with an air of entitlement about it and goes “I thought it was £10” when you don’t give her the change for her 20 despite talking to her for the last 45 minutes and exhausting yourself.
I can’t sit there and listen to them tell me about their son who is a shitbag, or their caravan that’s falling to bits, and I can’t sit there and basically tell someone who’s on the edge “you brought this all on yourself- which means you can get yourself out of it” BECAUSE THE TRUTH DOESN’T PAY at these events. The truth that gives my reading the power it holds in the first place.
I can help you change your life- but only if you fucking listen to me.
But here I am, unable to read tarot. It’s basically a novelty, which I can’t blame these people for thinking due to the fact that they’ve never seen anything like this before. Despite all this, I understand why they feel trapped. Because I feel trapped. So fucking trapped that I don’t have the intuition to READ TAROT anymore. The thing that I am here TO DO.
Do I even believe anymore? Or is it all just a load of shit?
Anyway. You can’t be honest when in a situation like that, I told myself.
I left her to set up and walked back to my stall, stopping at the ceremony on the way.
The guy from before was there, standing in front of the drum. He smiled and said hello to me as if we had met before.
There was a little girl in a beautiful blue native American looking shawl, crouched down and helping with the set up. There were flowers and feathers and crystals, something to represent the north, east, south and west.
Most obviously, there was Shamanka.
Shamanka is the shaman I met. Obviously I didn’t know she was a shaman until she dropped it in conversation later on down the line. To me I just saw a lady with crazy hair.
She was wearing a gorgeously colourful native American looking frock, parading round the circle and banging on a drum. I felt the energy and it temporarily broke the seal of numbness that had been clouding around me these last few months.
She looked at me, and looked away, and then looked back at me with a really knowing and intense kind of look- not stopping her walking and drumming thing she had going on.
I found a place I felt comfortable, in the side-lines next to a smiley girl with red hair and an explosive bubbly laugh.
There was a script to be read out as part of the ceremony.
Shamanka gave me a copy and said that I was to read out the final paragraph and take part.
Shamanka started, then the young girl followed, the blonde guy took over from there, and then it was me. We were instructed to put in some kind of intent for the afternoon and told that we were to come back at 5pm to close the circle.
I couldn’t think of an intent, I couldn’t really think of anything, but I just liked being there.
I went to my desk thinking nothing of what had just happened and waited for my first client.
Shamanka came up to my stall. She got a reading off me. I know she didn’t need it, she was just looking to know more about me.
“You’ve got a lovely energy, I could feel it as soon as you walked in” she said.
I wondered for a brief moment if I found myself in some kind of weird twilight spin off or something.
But she seemed familiar. Weird to say, but she felt like a more stable version of my mum. I felt at ease around her. Like I’d known her before. Then before I knew it we had said to each other “I’ve known you before” as if that’s a normal thing to say to a person you’ve never met.
I thanked her and got on with the reading.
We must have spoken for about an hour. She told me that she resonates with me because she was pushed into starting her work at age 19.
She invited me around her house for dinner, leaving me her name, number, and address on a piece of paper.
I collected it after the closing ceremony.
Then two hours later I was literally downing a bottle of wine in David Lloyd car park on behalf of my friends 21st.
A couple of days later I messaged, and we arranged that we would meet up the following Sunday.
Shamanka hasn’t worked for a while, and she didn’t want to go to this event for the same reason I’ve gone off doing them.
The vibe is off. It’s ‘sell, sell, sell’ to people who don’t quite get it. People who don’t know what they’re getting into, who don’t really want to help themselves, who just want to be sold lies.
But she was guided to go, with reluctance. We laughed about how she was so grumpy about having to go to this event just to have a ‘nice day out’ playing dress up in beautiful shawls to advertise her spirituality.
Her son read for her and she was made aware both by spirit and the cards that she was meant to meet a significant person at this event.
They’ve since told me that they felt my energy and understood that person was me when I walked through the door.
I still can’t really process this because I have literally never been recognised like that before, as far as I know. I’m flattered, and still a bit amazed.
The blonde guy was her son. The young girl was her daughter, and the girl with the bubbly laugh was her eldest daughter.
I was surrounded by her family and it felt like some kind of weird home.
In the last week I’ve known her she has changed my life.
I’ll write about the dinner in a seperate blog.