I’m doing that thing again where I do a stream of consciousness in hopes that what I say will convey a message to a bunch of people who relate.
A few months ago I wanted to reinvent myself because I quickly realised that the person I had grown into was a watered down version of myself. She made me get hurt a lot and she didn’t stand up for herself, and she wasn’t proud.
So I got to know what I was really into and I figured that basing my life around those things would make me happy. Music, aerial acrobatics, art, laughing.
I saw these people on Instagram who inspired me and made me happy and I wanted to be as good as them immediately.
So I went into changing my life but I was missing the point. I wasn’t doing things for enjoyment I was doing them to be good.
I now realise that’s because of old programming. The thing about old programming is, you literally don’t even realise it’s there until it becomes distressing enough to you that you ask the question “why can’t I ever enjoy things?” “Why am I so high strung?” “Why do I care so much about what other people think and then feel the need to insist that I don’t?”.
I spent a lot of my life really doing the most to try and be heard, which meant I felt like I always had to get things perfect. Be eloquent enough to get your point across, conduct yourself in a way which means people will respect what you have to say. Don’t let them see you be human.
A lot of us are taught to base our conduct around the way people see us, but really we should be taught how to not give a shit.
If I didn’t get things perfect it wasn’t like funny haha (the way it should have been), it was like oh shit I’m not good enough and that’s so embarrassing and that is shameful.
So back to the point, when I was reinventing myself and I picked up these hobbies I found myself just being more saddened by doing what I loved.
I would paint, but if I couldn’t get that drawing the way I visualised it I was so military on myself and it bummed me out. And when I started playing the ukulele, bitch I sat there and made myself cry because I thought I was so stupid for not being able to change notes fast enough the first day I picked the thing up. And I always loved pole dance but when I started I was always so anxious to get to the top.
The enjoyment was sucked out of everything, and I’m grateful that it was, because I learned a really big lesson. I had to learn to enjoy things for the sake of enjoying them, and I had to learn to set the tone of my life by not giving a shit about what people might think.
Allow yourself to sing off key, and be proud of your ‘abstract’ art, and just be shit at the things you enjoy because it’s supposed to make you happy. If you enjoy things enough to practice often, that’s when you’ll get good.
To live a life worth being present for, you’ve got to be brave. It takes a lot of balls to decide you don’t like the way things are and completely strip away the survival fronts you’ve had on for years. People look at you weird, and they think you’re having another breakdown, and for a second there you’re really lonely, and your old friends may even kinda start treating you like shit cos you’re being vulnerable and not yourself and it’s weird to them.
But it all has to fall away to make space for the new. When you shine your light people who see it, appreciate it, and vibe with it will come flocking into your life. They can’t see you unless you turn the light on.
This weekend I picked up my uke for the sake of just enjoying the process and being mindful. Developing a new enjoyable skill does wonders for your mental health as it requires you to be sucked in the moment. It consumes you while being productive. All this came to me then because I realised that I might be alone and this whole vulnerability thing is incredibly uncomfortable, but the joy and relief I will feel from getting through the growing pains will be so worth it.