We all do worse than our best sometimes.
We play many different roles to many different people in life.
It gets confusing when things are off balance. And often, things are off balance. Early life is spent trying to find balance but very rarely being in it. We’re learning.
It’s difficult to define ourselves in the madness.
Who am I today? Am I a boss who sets boundaries and doesn’t let people take advantage of her? Am I a big sister who is the loving protector? Am I the one who needs to take charge or sit back in this situation? Am I the wife to someone who needs me? Am I needing to watch my own back and forget about everyone else? Am I a teacher? Am I just here to love?
Sometimes, the person we respond as is not the person that someone needs in that moment.
And life goes on.
I’m going to write a perspective that I am trying out, but the way people respond to crisis is subjective. I’m not telling anyone what to do in this piece, I’m just sharing.
When crisis happens, we should analyse the way we responded to it.
Let everything else go dark, surrender to the fact that you don’t know anything, and place all your focus on how you are responding.
Don’t get caught up in the mental energy of ‘they think this of me, if I do this maybe that will happen, if only this were different’.
Everything is perfect, and the fact of the matter is; you don’t know. You do not know anything.
When crisis happens, float out of the body, float away from your feelings, and be quiet.
Shut out other people’s opinions and voices.
See this moment of crisis from a third person perspective, and use logic.
Person x and person y argued about this.
Notice what triggered this crisis. Notice how you were feeling, what you picked up on, notice how you felt you had to respond.
Pick out ways that you would respond differently if you had the time to do so. Ask yourself why you didn’t respond that way in the moment.
Notice what you felt you were lacking.
This teaches us more about ourselves than anything else ever could.
It shows which part of ourselves we were neglecting, and what the lesson here is.
We usually define love as being the answer to something we lack.
If within ourselves we lack the ability to set boundaries and allow ourselves to be safe, we will demand that of others.
If we are unable to hold space for ourselves and settle into a feeling of stability, we will demand balance from others.
Not one person on this planet can give you those things all of the time.
When we rely on others to fill these holes before we have attempted to fill them ourselves, there is crisis.
But it’s okay. Crisis teaches us how we can be different, how we can recognise another person’s needs, how to recognise the way we get triggered, and how to reprogram the neural pathways that led us to react in such a way.
If I cannot love someone the way they need love right now, the most loving thing I can do is give them the time, space, energy and freedom to love themselves to the highest capacity.
If I cannot receive love because I have evaded responsibility and refused to set boundaries, then I need to learn to love myself enough to put the defences down.
It is okay to withdraw your love to put it back on yourself.
This state of being is temporary.
I write a lot about how to ‘heal’, how to change, how to be different; but I think that’s done now.
At a certain point, this pursuit of ‘being the best version of yourself’ just becomes an excuse for not allowing yourself to be loved.
We will literally never be perfect, and we will never be the person someone needs all the time.
Love is to be given without expectation.
Being accepting of someone else, willing to learn to respond to their different states, learning how they react in times of crisis; that’s the real pursuit. That’s the real journey. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being willing to learn to play different roles.
I don’t want to write any more bullshit on ‘how to heal’.
People are perfect as they are.
Boundaries are not meant to be put in place to say ‘you can only love me if you meet this criteria’, they are put in place so you can go ‘you can love me, and I make it safe for you to love me by meeting these needs for myself and not relying on you to meet them’.
They are not meant to be enforced out of defensiveness and punishment.
And when responding to crisis, you are allowed to feel. It is impossible to repress your love for a person. When you deny your love for a person out of fear of rejection, you are telling yourself that who you authentically are is bad.
You are allowed to love a person, free of expectation. You’re allowed to love many people. It’s the way you love them that changes, and you allow the feeling to flow through you whilst recognising that you are frightened.
Allow space for yourself to be frightened, and acknowledge there is a force in you that you are capable of calling on which allows you to feel safe while doing so.
It is okay to have needs. It’s okay to state your needs. If you do not express your needs, you aren’t even giving yourself a chance. The thing is, you need to meet your own needs before you ask other people to meet them.
It is our responsibility to keep ourselves safe and secure. At no point does that become someone else’s duty.
If you are not able to meet your needs without turmoil, the most loving thing to do is free the other person from the version of you that cannot feel their love.