This gets said every year, but this year has been a whirlwind. Even if nothing significant has happened, energetically it’s been insane. For many, it’s been really hard. Particularly this summer, there have been truths come to light and secrets being revealed, shocking revelations and a need to have a reality check.
I’ve written a shit tonne of articles about all things to do with self care. Forgiveness, dealing with pain, and a bunch of other stuff. I talk people through a step by step guide to recovery but the main issue which I’ve kinda ignored is the fact that many of us don’t even realise what’s wrong- or that we need to wake up. We just walk about being closed off and repeating the same thing over, and over, and over again because we’re so blind to the fact that we’re closed off.
Like many, I am arrogant and I always think I know best. That’s because I do. In hindsight, but not necessarily in the moment. The point is that I always think I’m fine until I begin to get frustrated at the fact that I want something which I don’t have, then I’m forced to go “ugh FINE what’s wrong with me then”. If there’s something you want that you don’t have and don’t know how to get, it’s because you’re blocked in some way shape or form and your job is to fix yourself in order to get it.
When you go through a rough time, you’re forced into a more logical mindset which can turn sour and cynical over time. You had to use logic to handle yourself, protect and redeem yourself- but then it’s a struggle to be soft again. Every time you try to go back to your old way of forgiving, and loving, and understanding, there’s that little voice which once helped you get your self respect back piping up when it’s unwelcome. The voice which once went “no, don’t beat yourself up, this is not your fault and you need to take care of yourself for now” can overstay it’s welcome and turn into a damaging voice which goes “the same thing will happen again. You’re better off alone. You’ve come too far to be mugged off. How dare everyone treat you like that. You’re so much better by yourself”. I know all those things are a lie and I know that’s not gonna make me happy, so why do I even let that voice speak to me anymore? I’m here to live, not just survive like I’m gonna have to bite off everyone’s head in order to remain the alpha. It’s like your heart goes from wanting the best for you to being overprotective of you and keeping you in a prison of coldness and bitterness.
The only thing this disrupts is your own peace and progress. You deserve to get yourself back, just the upgraded version who has come through the lessons they had to learn. You don’t have to keep reliving that scenario and rerunning the story in your head, you need to free yourself and move on from it.
Just ask why. Next time, question yourself. Treat your heart like it’s a person you care about, and send it love, but ask why it’s telling you this stuff and what you can do to make it feel better. Convince your heart that you are safe now, and there’s no need to protect you anymore. You owe it to yourself to be soft again, and understanding and forgiving and just generally at peace. Don’t lose your gentleness.
The way I do this is through meditation, listening to people like Abraham Hicks and teachers like that. Nobody can ever do it alone and it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to.
That’s all I have to say really.