Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist
This isn’t gonna be one of those articles in which one person is a hero and the other is a villain. Claiming the title of the victim is counterproductive and it ruins your self esteem and takes away your power.
On the other hand, understanding a situation for what it was allows you to make peace with the past, end a pattern, and move on with life.
When in a relationship with a narcissist, there is the narcissist (obviously) and there is the narcissistic supply.
The narcissist is a person who has a heightened sense of importance, needs constant praise and admiration, carries a sense of entitlement. This person exploits others (seemingly without guilt or shame), is very good at manipulating and gaslighting in order to get their way, and frequently belittles others.
The narcissistic supply, or the person the narcissist targets, is usually vulnerable in one way or another. They over give, pander to every need, and they’re brainwashed with heart eye emoji.
They try to see the good in people time and time again, compromise their self concept and needs for the sake of others, and generally may be a little lost. Trying to see the good in people against all odds may give the narcissistic supply a more secure sense of self- making them feel like a ‘good’ person for throwing a dog a bone. Even when they don’t deserve it.
You are good enough.
The narcissistic supply will not be willing to move on or accept the relationship for what it is until they are ready.
Narcissists can be incredibly magnetic and charming. They are very aware of their appearance and how to market themselves to others and sell a fantasy. In fact, it’s easy to fall in love with them. They know exactly which parts of them to show to you. The stories that will get you to sympathise, the little moves they pull out once in a while to keep you on your toes, the sense of playfulness they expose from time to time making out like your mistreatment is a joke not to be taken seriously. The way they say “you deserve better than me” to keep you on your toes and make you think that maybe you can fix them.
As a person with access to human empathy, when you’re in the lure of a narcissist you will find yourself excusing the way they make you feel- and even blaming yourself for their mistreatment of you.
The facts are this.
Your needs will never be fulfilled with this person.
They will always leave you eventually.
They treat others in a way which will isolate you and bring you down for as long as you stick by this persons side.
You are falling for a delusion.
You will not follow your dream or find contentment in life for as long as you are excusing this person.
I mentioned that this person will always leave you- and often times; unfortunately, this is the only way you will wake up to the fact that this person was a narcissist and you were under their spell.
A narcissist can not be alone because they live off of getting kicks from this dynamic. They need a constant supply for their narcissistic behaviour.
If you come across too weak, and give things too easily, the narcissist will leave you because “how can they respect you”. You make it too easy. They seem to make it your fault. They need some way to get their kicks, they need to feel like they’re in power and they’re achieving something through making you “come around” to giving them their way.
Alternatively, you may be too strong for them now. You may have put your foot down and learned to value yourself and put yourself first.
This is simply no fun at all. You’re the villain in their head now. All you do is shout at them or tell them off, you’re horrible, you’re a bully, you’re controlling. All because you don’t let them disrespect you.
They will find the next person, and they will begin to act in a vindictive and nasty manner as they grow further from you. In their head they need to see this separation as your fault, so they make you out to be the villain.
I promise you they have not changed for this next person, and they are treating them no better to how they treated you. Regardless of how it may look on social media.
These people don’t change.
This whole situation will have you questioning “what happened” and “why”. Why am I not good enough? How has this happened? Is this my fault?
The answer is of course no, and none of this was to do with you. Of course you were vulnerable at the time you met this person but that doesn’t make this whole thing your fault. It just presented you with an opportunity to grow as a person and become receptive to a healthier relationship.
You just have human empathy, and after being involved with a narcissist, having human empathy makes you feel crazy.
This person was cruel to you because they are in immense internal pain for one reason or another. A reason which is nothing to do with you, that you cannot fix. You do not want to be with this person, you cannot fix them, and they are handling their pain in a way which means they will be exploiting people and harming those around them forever.
Because they don’t have human empathy, they don’t know how to handle their pain. They will never understand the magnitude of their actions, and seeing others suffer eases the pain of how they feel inside. They know that someone else feels bad because of them and therefore they’re not alone in their sadness. They may even feel better for having made you sad because it gives them a sense of self esteem. “Look what I have the power to do”.
That is why they hurt you. You are dealing with an emotionally immature and stunted individual. That is what things are point blank period.
Your lesson from dealing with a narcissist is to gather strength, self respect, and a core of steal when it comes to standing in your truth.
Know and stand tall in the knowledge that a narcissists reaction is nothing to do with you.
Know that all “rationality” or “reason” shown by a narcissist is a facade for this persons agenda.
Learn how to respond as opposed to react.
Learn to be resilient to words. Know that this persons words are a part of a game plan, they are nothing more.
Know that without this person, you are free and you are lighter.
You can come out of a relationship with a narcissist and be better for it. It just takes some healing.