diary entry 3 // bitterness

I went away this weekend to stay with my family in Mersea Island.

I’m becoming quite a frequent visitor.

It’s much easier for me to be more mindful there because that’s the first place I have been to where I’ve just felt absolutely no need to be so harsh or defensive.

I just feel completely safe.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that before.

This weekend my mind felt like it was in the same place as my body.

Not wandering or obsessing about anything, wondering how I can get to the next level, wondering how I can move out or build my career up or conquer the world by tomorrow.

I was just there.

I felt like everything was taken care of.

While I was in Mersea Island, I was in nature a lot. I was exercising, painting, socialising, generally being calm and happy. It was strange to feel so at home. Busy in an unbusy way.

In my moments of mindfulness that weren’t filled with laughter or gin, I had time to quite effortlessly come to terms with some things that I’ve been letting go of for the last few weeks.

This is a letter I wrote to myself. It was quite meditative.

I generalised it so that it could perhaps be of use to somebody who might need to hear it.

Bitterness

It’s okay to be bitter, because it’s okay to be hurt.

But you can’t hold on to bitterness.

Bitterness gives you this feeling of pressure, this feeling of needing to win, the want for somebody else to fail.

Bitterness is what can take a good heart and fill it with poison. It can take a person with pure intentions and make them venomous.

But you are not venomous, and you are not a bad person.

You are just hurt.

And it’s really not nice to carry that burden on your back.

It is okay to feel bitter, because it’s a natural reaction.

But please, be kind to yourself.

Be so kind that you don’t have to be bitter, because you are a wonderful person exactly as you are.

You don’t have to be better than anybody else to be enough.

Please stop asking for more of yourself. You don’t have to compete with anybody.

You don’t have to prove yourself or criticise yourself.

You don’t have to be prettier, or fitter, or smarter, or more creative or talented or anything else.

You don’t have to be fighting all the time.

You don’t have to be so hard on yourself.

It’s not your duty to be the best, it’s enough to just be in the world doing good in your own way.

You just have to be kind.

Please stop reinforcing the things you were told about yourself.

Please stop reinforcing the idea that you are a difficult person to be around.

Stop reinforcing the idea that you’re stupid to be upset.

Stop reinforcing the idea that speaking about the things that upset or concern you will push people away.

You don’t have to keep going in circles like that.

You have got to let go.

Please stop comparing your happiness to another person’s.

Please stop thinking that you need to achieve a certain amount of things before you can be happy.  

Please just be happy where you are.

Happy enough to just be glad that the world is that little bit lighter by somebody else (as well as you) going to sleep with a smile on their face. Even if they did you wrong.

Stop telling yourself that you need to keep climbing and pushing and grinding to one day achieve that birth right of being calm and at peace.

When you accept yourself exactly as you are, everything else will follow.

All you have to do is be kind to yourself.

It’s time to move on now.

No more bitterness. For the love of God, Becky, just be happy.

I’m sorry for being so mean to me and trying so hard to make things fit into my life when they were never meant to. I accept myself for exactly who I am in this moment; and while I work on myself for my own health and happiness, I’m not doing it so that anyone will love me. I forgive myself. I was stupid, and I hurt myself, but I can’t shame myself into being a better person.

No more bitterness.

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