This piece has been angled at girls, because as a woman, this is the only demographic I can really speak for. That said, a person of any gender or sexuality may be able to draw information from this piece. I hope it serves you well.
Growing up as a girl, high school is generally the most hellish and challenging environment when it comes to finding yourself. As a girl, it is commonly accepted that we will be sexually harassed, assaulted, humiliated for everything (including genuine distress from being sexually assaulted), and manipulated into expressing sexuality in a way we may not even personally enjoy.
I have wanted to write this for a while, but it has never come out right. As a 22-year-old woman who is all too familiar with growing up crippled with anxieties by the inherent pressure we are associated with growing up; I want to give you the talk. I am now in a committed relationship and have been through a few horrible situations in my life, I have overcome a lot, and I want to help those who are in the same position I was growing up.
Growing up does not have to be this way, it does not have to be horrible. This is an opportunity and an exercise to first and foremost recognise your power and glory as a woman. Regardless of what sexuality you identity with, what gender you choose to label as, we all have feminine energy within us. It is a craft we need to nurture and harness learning how to use it in our best interest.
As a woman, or really any kind of person in today’s society, everything around us is trying to reaffirm to us that our authentic selves is not enough, that we need transforming and improving. This is so companies can make sales, social media can steal more of our time, it’s just the world we live in. Unfortunately, this opens us up to being hugely manipulated by the media to the extent that we lose sense of self and craft our personalities, looks and styles out of trends that we see are widely accepted. We search ‘how do I make this person like me’ before searching ‘why do I desperately seek this persons approval and reiterate to myself that I am not good enough’.
While this makes us feel helpless sometimes, this is an illusion and not the truth. For every person that reiterates the narrative that you are not good enough unless you’re ‘kinky’ or ‘do hard drugs’ or don’t commit any kind of forbidden ‘ick’- there is a person that couldn’t care less about social media and all the ridiculousness it perpetuates. Life feels so small when you are trapped in the confines of school with a very particular social media bubble. It’s not real life and it never will be. My advice is to use the internet to network and connect with any kind of self-help information that is not in alignment with Western culture, so you can really find yourself from teachings that aren’t trying to gain anything from you. Google random stuff and watch random stuff on Netflix to break your social media algorithm and explore different interests. Join clubs and socialise with as many groups as possible. The things you do now will be forgotten about in 5 years maximum, so try on every identity you feel comfortable with and I promise, as long as you work on building that confidence within- people outside you will reflect the way you feel about yourself.
I have written about this in many other blogs if you care to read more. I just want to put that out there first and foremost because many young girls run the risk of being beat down into insecure shells of themselves who will do whatever anyone wants for the sake of ‘love’- someone to care for them. This is a dangerous position to be in.
This will be structured almost like an FAQ.
– being someones gf is not the goal
I don’t know if teens still do this but when I was in high school having a partner was like a symbol of security and made you an ‘it’ person for about 5 minutes. I remember ‘couples’ getting together and crowds gathering around them on the playground filming on their blackberrys their first hug or kiss and uploading it to Facebook later that night, with roars and cheers when the act was done. The whirlwind relationship would regularly end within the next couple of days but from that point on in High school relationships would be really sought after. Even in older years at high school people in long term relationships would look so much happier and would just glow. It’s only with age that I realised they glowed because they had obviously reached a state of self-love and stability by themselves, which was enhanced by someone coming into their life and bringing out a really good side to them. Some people just find relationships sooner. There are so many factors that go into this, maybe they saw what a healthy relationship looked like earlier on, or they were raised to love themselves, they had less distractions. Everyone works at a different speed and some kind of heartbreak is inevitable for everyone, enjoy yourself but as a general rule- work on yourself and don’t force relationships. Wait til you find one that’s good for you.
– There is no such thing as bad sex
One of the most dreaded and horrible things from high school is the way people used to chat shit about others after being intimate with them as a way to deflect from their own insecurities. Boys are victim to this as much as girls, there are rumours going round all the time that someone is shit in bed or whatever.
As you get older, if you actually bother to become a better more experienced person, you realise that sex itself is not really the thing that makes a person ‘shit’.
First of all, you can have sex with the same person 101 times and it’s inconsistent. Some times will be better than others, and when you first start sleeping with someone it takes some communication and getting used to each other’s body for things to really work. It comes down to chemistry, detachment from chatter in the head/ the ability to be in the moment, and equal investment in enjoying yourself and catering to the other person. It is about respect and feeling confident enough to open yourself up.
It is a practice, and any respectable person worth opening up to will not say a word about another person being shit, if you hear someone speak this way take it as a sign that they are lacking in education and self-confidence.
– You are enough exactly how you are, relationships (odd as it sounds) come from within.
This is something I spoke about in a recent article, ‘How I went from an abusive relationship to a healthy one’. It is one of the most impactful lessons I have learned to date.
The goal is to become undeniably and unshakably secure in self, able to own and be responsible for any insecurity you may have. Nobody will complete you, not now, not in marriage, not ever. If you want a relationship it should simply come from a place of ‘it would be nice to share intimacy with a person that I enjoy the company of’ and nothing more. Once you are secure in self, do not look for qualities in another person going ‘hmm who in this room would be a fit for me’.
Do not go ‘I want a person who is creative, has green eyes, loves x music, blah blah’ because you’re closing yourself in to a box and looking for things outside of yourself. Instead, go ‘I really love being as I am, I don’t want to compromise my confidence when I get into a relationship’. This way, you know to ask for what matters. ‘I want a person that allows me to feel safe, proud, vulnerable, sure of how they feel, admired, in love, humoured’ etc. That way you set your own standard. At the end of the day, nothing else matters because it’s about how you feel. Then, become excited for this person showing up.
-When you ‘lose’ your virginity, this doesn’t mean anything.
You don’t lose anything, it’s not necessarily special, it’s just the first time you engage in sex. You can become used to the act of sex without another person present if you catch my drift, you don’t have to ‘give’ another person anything. It’s an experience for you. It’s important that you are comfortable and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
– You do not owe ANYBODY the ins and outs of your sex life, or how many people you’ve slept with. The only time you kinda owe someone info is if you’re a virgin and if you’ve been tested, and that’s if you are are having sex with them.
Until I was 18 years old I did not share any information about my sex life or habits with anyone because I had seen how this information was weaponised against girls so casually. That was my personal choice. It’s not necessarily something I encourage you to do (unless you feel uncomfortable sharing intimate details about what you get up to). If you feel compelled to share something or have an open and transparent conversation with people you trust, I am almost certain that will be beneficial and very progressive. The point I am trying to make is that I recognised I did not have to share anything I was uncomfortable with- because at the time, I didn’t feel confident or trusting enough to have people know this information about me without it being used to manipulate or embarrass me.
It is nice to have secrets about yourself. It’s a reaffirmation that you do not owe anybody anything, it’s like your heart is being cracked open with love and trust when you finally meet someone where you feel comfortable enough to open up to. It’s an act of self love to not put yourself in a position where you feel too vulnerable too early on.
We all learn through our own mistakes so there is really no point having regrets. As a teenager I was my own worst enemy to a HIGH degree and maintaining a level of secrecy was probably the one thing I did in my favour.
There are benefits to being transparent, even if sensitive information about you gets leaked. Ultimately you are then presented with a lesson of ‘how do I really claim this and learn to walk unashamed in the face of all this shit being chat about me’. Really you need a sense of humour in this situation because that is a source of great strength.
The trouble is that the wounded/ underdeveloped female energy can be manipulative. Sometimes, the female energy can have this tendency to overshare and make ourselves vulnerable early on so that we can ‘trap’ a partner and make them feel responsible for us. This may even be subliminal but it is time we are really honest with our habits in order to become some type of womanly goddess that deals with life well. We overshare early on so we can play the victim if a person betrays us, which if we feel the need to ‘trap’ a partner, we likely have the intuitive knowing they will anyway.
You hear of young girls and women getting hurt time and time again, and you see how they carry trust issues into future relationships and begin this painful pattern of getting hurt and betrayed. You often hear women say “I can’t trust again” meaning they believe all men are the same, which is a fair enough judgement if you have been put in the same heart wrenching situation time and time again. The harsh yet empowering truth is that at the end of the day, you are the common denominator in all these situations. By blaming your trust issues on all the men in the world, you are prolonging the time it will take you to claim your power back and embody the person you want to be, with the life you truly want to have.
The truth is that you cannot trust yourself. You cant trust that you won’t just give all your cards away too soon in hopes that this will be a wildly romantic love story, you can’t trust that you won’t flee at the first sign of foolery, and you cannot trust that you will be okay if you get hurt. This is okay. This is natural. This realisation is the first step in you being able to claim that power you have and redesign your own narrative.
– Get tested regularly, and ask people if they have been tested
If they are entering intimate parts of your body, they answer to you. They are literally going inside your body, you have a right to know where they’ve been and protect yourself. You. Own. Your. Body. Do NOT become ill out of fear that a person will judge you for wanting to protect yourself, and if that person tries you in that situation, you show them the door regardless of how much it hurts. You need to pass the test of self-love.
– sex is not a big deal once you’ve had it, likelihood is that once you’ve lost it you’ll be lying there asking ‘is that it?’
It gets better when you are with someone for long enough to explore and get to know how things work. Everyone is built different and it’s not shameful if it takes a while to get used to the intricacies and uniqueness of a person’s body. Contrary to popular belief, the purpose of sex is not always to ‘finish’. Though obviously that is something you’ll wanna work on.
– You will never change a person.
A person changes of their own accord, there is nothing you can do to change them. You may see boys or men that change as a result of a womans influence, but when a woman is intentionally trying to change a man, they will not change. A woman is influential when she is so focussed on herself that her example teaches people to do better.
There are 7 billion people in this earth, don’t waste your time.
– Do not sleep with anyone who makes you question yourself, your worth, and how much you trust them to not chat shit about you.
Do not give the time of day to a person who has treated others with this type of disrespect either. If a person will do it to someone else, they will not hesitate to do the same thing to you because in their eyes, you are not any different. Even if they do shower you in words of affirmation. You aren’t ‘special’ like they declare you are, and there is nothing wrong with being like other girls. What you are, is a powerful and self-respecting woman who does not need that kind of crap being filtered into your focussed ears.
– Sexual empowerment and liberation does not mean being hypersexual and promiscuous. It is important to carefully analyse whos’ energy and intent you are accepting inside of you
You need to know your boundaries. You need to know yourself before you get lost in others. This is all I say.
I often see people confuse sexual liberation with a lot of things that don’t necessarily serve their best interests. First of all, I’m not the messiah of sex- if you want to be polyamorous or whatever that has nothing to do with me and I hold no judgement about that- I just hope you’re living your best life and not hurting yourself or anyone else in the process.
I want to talk about the promiscuity side of things.
As I said, sleeping with multiple people is fine as long as you are being safe and respectful- but it is important to consider if you actually want this persons energy inside you.
Do you wanna sleep with a stranger who is a massive homophobic racist before you get to know that they are a homophobic racist? Have you taught yourself to just be desensitised to that? Because you can get pleasure and sexual liberation in ways that do not involve sleeping with a bunch of people. Sleeping with a bunch of people is not a medal to be worn, the idea that you embark on a sexual conquest is a misogynistic idea that women have taken on to try and get even with men. Sex is sex. Not a contest. As long as you know that, I am in no position to judge. I just want to let young people know there are other ways of going about things.
As an intuitive woman, in the past I have slept with people who are just in a WHACK energy. People addicted to drugs and sex who are just in a chaotic headspace, and the act of engaging intimately with them would throw me out of stability for a few days. This is because I literally took on their energy without even really meaning to.
You gotta connect with yourself and protect yourself.
One thing I see is women claiming sexual empowerment by living up to the standards that men set.
For example, a woman will change her appearance entirely in accordance to the way the male gaze has taught her she should look, and feels confident in the knowledge that people are looking at her. If that works for her, no harm, however that does not work for everyone. Your appearance should be reflective of what makes you feel most yourself regardless of how that looks to other people.
Are you doing things for the validation of others, or because putting on your war paint makes you embody the energy you are trying to channel? That’s a question worth asking yourself.
Someone will match your vibe regardless of what society says is appealing, because you are enough, and there are so many different types of people on this planet you won’t even begin to get your head round it.
To make a second point, I often see straight women putting on this lesbian act and making out with/ flirting with girls they have no intention of sleeping with or pursuing anything with, simply because the male gaze has taught them this is attractive. That is problematic and not an act of self-love, nor is it fair on the other girl- ESPECIALLY if they are bi, lesbian, or generally interested in girls.
It is important to introspect and check our intent.
– There probably is no such thing as ‘the one’
7 billion people on this earth. Wherever you go, whoever you are, you can probably find someone that fits your criteria of ‘the one’. Don’t hold back for one person out of fear you will never find another, ‘the one’ will grow with you in the same direction as you without sacrificing anything. If you find someone that you have a healthy relationship with, that you’re happy with, where you grow together- why would you do anything to jeapordise that? Why would you want to be single once you’ve found such contentment? That’s what they mean when they say ‘the one’. Don’t hold back.
I hope this acts as a good guide for someone.