So here’s a big pile of words.
I feel like a lot of people will probably feel the same way, but it’s like there are two sides of my personality and they argue incessantly.
There is one half, who is hardcore. She takes no shit, she doesn’t allow herself to be a victim, she doesn’t show her cards and she is determined that she knows what she is doing. She works, she manages everything and she picks herself up without letting people know that she ever fell.
Then, there is the other half. She gets sad about things, and she dwells and feels sorry for herself every now and then. She’s mad that certain things happened to her and that she has never had it particularly easy. She wants people to know where she came from and what she had to do, but she knows in all her emotional logic that it is likely that it doesn’t even matter- because we are here now. If you’ve not done anything which makes you worth understanding, and if you’re not trying to better yourself, nobody will excuse the reasons behind why you are the way you are.
Bad Bitch Becky often kicks off at Wet Wipe Becky Because she feels as though she’s holding her back.
Wet Wipe Becky kicks off at Bad Bitch Becky because life is meant to be lived, not experienced for the sake of survival.
BBB wants to do it all alone, WWB wants BBB to stop being so closed off and adamant that there’s nothing anyone can teach her.
Biting people’s heads off as a defence mechanism will not get you anywhere just as much as whinging will not get you anywhere.
So how do we win?
I don’t know, I know just as much as the next guy, but there are definitely some ways I have managed to talk these two Becky’s down from scratching each other’s faces off.
In them moments where there is no talking to myself, I just ask “could I really function if I had it any other way?”. If I weren’t here now dealing with this very issue, would I really be any better off?
These two sides of your personality, when not arguing, actually help you regain a sense of balance and medium within yourself.
Without making it sound too much like a chore, life is made up of lessons.
With each lesson will likely come some trauma and some little scratches to the soul which will stick with the Bad Bitch version of yourself, or the Wet Wipe version of yourself.
It is likely that one side will appreciate all the aspects that the other one is resentful of.
For example, say if you never had boundaries when growing up the wet wipe version of you may become hung up over the fact that they were made to feel neglected, and they may feel as though they never had a break from stress because they had to figure out all their own boundaries and learn to care for themselves.
The bad bitch version of yourself would LOVE that, because they don’t need to depend on anyone. They run things. They will be okay and they will be able to handle themselves no matter what has happened to them because they learned how to do life at an early age.
Instead of having the two argue so that one of the sides win, instead- get them to compromise.
Yes Wet Wipe self, I am stressed. But could I have it any other way?
What would I do if I wasn’t fighting for what I believe to be the best thing for me? What would I do if everything was landed in my lap and I had nothing to work towards?
Yes Bad Bitch self, I am more than just a spiky wall and I do want take breaks and live a little. Could I really thrive if I didn’t have some level of enjoyment in my life? Where would I find my stories or my inspiration if I didn’t do spontaneous and cool things?
If the two of you are fighting, it is because you both have fire in you and you’re not sure how to put that fire wherever it rightfully belongs.
I am tired of being tired when I could be fighting a winning battle for once, and not just hitting a wall.
Maybe you need to burn out to learn the lesson, or maybe you can just take 5 minutes to stop your noise, have a nap and try to see things from a different angle.
I am not my own enemy unless I choose to be, and that’s just dumb.
I don’t have the answers, but I do have that stream of consciousness.