In the last blogs I’ve put up I’ve basically been sharing the thoughts I’ve been having that has helped me find peace.
Now don’t get me wrong, there is still a part of my soul that is PISSED OFF. Pissed off at people for doing me dirty and pissed off at the words they said as if they knew what they were talking about; but I’m not angry. I’m not angry because it doesn’t matter to me anymore.
The most useful thing I learned this year is that you should take experiences as signposts- but not like ‘omg it’s 11.11 I should text him’, or ‘omg its 21.21 that doesn’t happen everyday tattoo it on me’ (oops).
It means that you just gotta go with the flow or else you literally will go mad.
You cannot control things, you will never be able to control things, or people, or their opinions, or the way they treat you. You can’t make them think of you differently, or recognise your good intent, or empathise with you in any way.
What you can do is literally anything else.
And quite frankly, literally anything else is better than feeling hopeless and pathetic.
Romantics and artists love a book about victory, or a rags to riches story; but they love it because it’s all in retrospect and you know the general direction it’s going in. It’s basically just like a collection of experiences leading up to this person being interesting enough to be the focal point of a project.
Our life is no different to a cool romantic book- the difference is just the way you’re wording it.
Your troubles are the lead up to a rags to riches story. They’re very cool and seem to be a symbol of integrity when you look at it like that.
As some of you may know I spent my whole summer having a (justified) bitch fit. I can’t actually explain when I started feeling differently, but I think it was when I went to London last month and sat next to my old substitute German teacher purely by chance. She was my favourite and the seat next to her was the only seat available, which was a weird coincidence.
She’s very much a free spirit, and amongst all the unique pieces of her brain she offered me during our train chat she told me ‘nothing lasts forever’.
Which is obviously true and I knew that already, but when she said it something clicked in my head and I was like ‘I’m on a train right now I could literally go anywhere why am I deeping my life this hard as if I’m stuck’.
It takes some figuring out but all you have to really do (easier said than done) is switch your attention from trying to prove yourself to trying to just be happy for yourself.
This is what I mean by taking things as a sign.
These futile coincidences like 11.11 and someone having the same name as the guy you used to have a crush on, or the fact that someone’s Dad has the same name as your Dad- these signs, I’m sorry to say, don’t mean shit. You give them
meaning and its basic psychology. It’s not profound.
A sign is more obvious than that. We just don’t like to read into the obvious and very useful signs in life because as the great Lizzo herself sings with passion, truth hurts.
If you had a bad home life and your childhood was a bit shit, you might become stuck- hanging on to hope that one day your parent will turn around and magically give you all the approval you ever wanted.
So you stay at home, and you actively look for any kind of sign you see fit. And you go ‘omg they patted me on the head and i saw the number 7 today maybe we will move out and get a better life and maybe they will take care of me’.
Futile signs are not signs. The fact that you spend all your time consumed by the idea that things ‘might get better’ is a sign. MOVE and make things better, with yourself by yourself for yourself.
Where could you find the fulfilment you’re wanting outside from where you came from?
If you keep getting kicked out and can’t find somewhere to live- that’s a bloody big sign. Ask yourself, where else can I go? What is this discomfort and restlessness guiding me to? Am I supposed to travel, or do something bigger and more profound?
If you go on countless dates and can’t seem to find love then maybe you’re the ‘problem’. Maybe you’re not ready for love. Maybe your perception of love right now means compromising yourself too much before getting to discover who you are fully. So that’s a sign. Roll with the punches, do a little eat pray love or something.
Maybe if you had it easy and comfortable right now you would never move.
Maybe it’s just not that deep.
It’s like monkey bars. Jumping from one life thing to another life thing. If life isn’t stable right now, it’s not supposed to be.
This isn’t like the olden days where we had one train track boring life where you married a farmer aged 13 and lived the rest of your life with a series of very common and very average milestones just waiting for death. This is new life and you can literally do anything just by asking ‘what can I do instead?’ rather than ‘how can I change this?’.
Now I’ve done the sharing my thoughts thing I wanna talk about myself because I’m amazing.
Sooooo for an update on *my* life that I know all 3 people reading this care so very much about, I am very grateful for the shittiness of this year because I think that I am maybe much more sane now than when I thought that everything
was going to be okay.
I got 3 qualifications as a ‘fuck you’ to anybody who told me I wasn’t doing enough this year, and now that’s over it’s time for me to scoot.
I am going to Italy to au pair for a family who seem lovely, because I want to travel cheaply, learn a sexy language, and I need to get away from my living situ. I want to grow and not be bitter and sad about life.
I am going to University to study journalism because you can’t run before you can walk, and the debt is pretty much irrelevant.
And I’m gonna look for a bunch of work experience in the meantime because I don’t think my full time job is going to support my growth as a human being as much as it would support me making money for them 52 weeks a year.
Just wanted to flex my cool ideas and cool year coming up because I spent the last 10 months crying and having a massive (justified) bitch fit.
Hope it all works out grand for you. I’m sure it will though because nothing ever lasts forever.