i’m a woman and I give up

Did a tarot event at the weekend for the first time since April. 

I was on a roll getting events and predicting massive things like engagements and promotions- and then I took some time off because my life exploded and I was so full of grief and overwhelm that it made me, a tarot reader, question my faith, dislike myself a lot, and become skeptical. Bet you never would have known.

I really needed this event. I needed the people and I needed to feel what I felt when I was there. I saw my work colleague/friend from the company I subcontract for and made friends with a shaman who invited me round for tea at her house next week. I went to do my duty of reading for other people and trying to look after other people but it ended up that people were looking after me. 

For the first time in my life I struggled to read tarot, and it made me feel like a massive failure. I don’t show it when I feel bad but I did feel bad. There was one lady that I just could not read for. I couldn’t charge her, I couldn’t read for her- I was so upset. I felt like I really let everyone down. 

The shaman and I made friends really quickly and she kept seeing me between clients. She really got me through the day and so did the kindness and understanding of the people I was surrounded by. 

Speaking to her gave me an epiphany. 

We were talking about flow and doing what we feel like instead of what we are told to do. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always been some what of a “rebel”- I had my Avril Lavigne phase thanks very much, but so much of the reasoning behind doing things is because of conditioning that I’m not even aware of. 

I get up and go to work to do I job I don’t want to do when I don’t want to do it. Because that’s just what I “have” to do. And I “had” to keep going until the end of my contract. And I am going to continue to do that because I might as well. 

Much the same way, I HAD to step up and “be a man” this year. 

Hear me out. 

I heard phoebe waller bridge (my queen) in an interview once saying that her least favourite question to be asked is “what’s it like being a woman in the industry”- and for a moment I was like oooooh yikes bit privileged. We should address the problems in the industry. 

But thinking about it now from an alternative point of view, I’m thinking yeah- maybe addressing the problems and then walking away from them once they’re addressed is the way to go. Maybe we should just be making it up as we go along, paving our own paths, succeeding in our own ways.

Now I don’t actually know if that’s what she meant but that’s how it resonated with me. 

As a woman, it’s drummed into us that “this is a mans world” and you’ve got to fight and work extra hard and do the most and be stressed to succeed. Which is true, yeah. This year has been hell for me because I stepped into that masculine energy and I got shit done. I got like 4 accredited qualifications/diplomas in 9 months, I worked across 3 different departments at my job, I set up my own business which actually took off, and I began making money as a freelance writer. I have kicked arse if I may say so myself and I do at the end of the day feel successful. But I’m not happy. 

Don’t get me wrong this is everything I wanted and asked for. I saw it I got it. But could I have done it a better way?

I’m good at fighting, I’m good at “being a man”, I’m good at pushing and working myself to the bone and burning myself out calling it “success”. But I wanted to make my hobbies a job so that I didn’t have to be like this. I didn’t want to go to a job I disliked and I didn’t want to fight for my success, I wanted to have my heart full everyday because I get to do what I love and help people. I wanted to let my feminine energy, the side of myself that makes me happy and at ease, be free to grow and be soft and loving without defence. 

But I can’t do that because even though I have a job which allows me to be feminine and soft and warm, I’m leading this double life where behind the scenes I’m just constantly fighting to be where I am because that’s what I always thought I had to do. I’m constantly thinking how unfair it is and I constantly have the desire to emasculate men because I hate the thought of anyone having authority over me. I don’t wanna be that person. I want to like men, I do like men, I think men are great- but I don’t like the power dynamic that’s there in society. I always feel like someone’s gonna do me dirty and it makes me bitter.  

At the event the organisers little girl that often keeps me company and helps me out asked me “why do you do the cards?” the way that kids do. And normally I would say “because I love it” but yesterday I didn’t know how to answer her. I don’t love it anymore because I’m not the person that I love at the moment. 

So that’s why I can’t read tarot. Because I need to spend time becoming that non-confrontational and un-bitter person again. 

I think I’m just gonna reject that “earn your place! This is a mans world!” narrative entirely. I’m tired of it. 

I don’t want to fight and work extra hard anymore because that means I’m competing with men and I don’t give a shit about competition. If they wanna fight that’s fine but I don’t fancy a scrap. I want to watch gogglebox and light a candle when I go to bed I don’t want to be up doing extra work anymore. I don’t care about “winning”. Maybe I can make just as much money and be just as fulfilled by NOT proving myself to a bunch of dated rules, regulations and ways of doing things. Maybe my cool work party will be so much better than their work parties that eventually they will abandon their own party and start a new one. But that’s not an ulterior motive- I just don’t care anymore. 

So I’ve been there and done that and I may not be a CEO or anything yet but I dont want to be. Not like that anyway. 

I’ll figure it out when I do my massage course I reckon. Thanks for listening to my spiel. 

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