Last week I met an important group of people who I feel a real soul connection with. In their company yesterday I realised a lot of things that have been holding me back.
Over dispersion of my energy, a one tone perspective on conflicts from the past, an obligation to soldier on through things, and the acceptance of labels that I can’t be bothered to fight against.
I could be so powerful, and I am worth so much- but I’m “not allowed” to say that.
Instead I have to water myself down and stupid myself out so that other people feel comfortable around me. So that I feel comfortable around other people. And often times I forget that I am worth anything at all because I feel that need to “fit in”- but in my happiest moments i rejected that whole “fitting in” thing so I’m not sure why I still do that. When I try to fit in I am the most lonely and isolated I have ever been. When I’m myself, I meet people and I feel connection.
And that’s not me saying that I’m better than anybody else, that’s me saying that I don’t owe anybody anything.
It’s filtered into us that “this is good” and “this is bad” and “do this because it’s positive” and “don’t do this because it’s negative” and it’s all just bullshit.
As my friend said, you have to know every key on the keyboard. Equal and opposite. What feels right to you is subjective and what other people have to say about it is irrelevant because there is nothing to prove to anyone. And you are not obliged to stay a certain way, or accept a certain label, or do a certain thing because it makes for an “easier” interaction with people.
In catholic school it was drummed into me (despite me not paying much attention) that you have to go about and be a good person and then you’ll get the good things. But what if your intent behind doing good things is “ugh fucking hate this but #heaven !”? That’s fucking ridiculous because you don’t do it because it makes you feel good or because it fills you with love and a feeling of generosity. You do it because you feel obliged, and obligation breeds resentment. And it’s been drummed into me from all angles. “You’re a girl so work really hard and prove you’re a bad bitch who doesn’t need a man and then people will respect you”. “Serve others, smile and cross your legs because that’s how you look most approachable to others”. “You attract lost people because you’re here to teach them a lesson and help them be a certain way.”
All that ever taught me is that I myself am unworthy of love for who I am, and all that I want.
I don’t want to help lost souls all the time because they treat me like shit and sometimes I want the help. Sometimes I wanna be hugged and sometimes I don’t wanna carry the weight of the whole fucking world on my back to “prove a point”. The fact that I’m a spiritual person means I want to help others, but I’ll help others on my terms. At the end of the day I don’t care about making it corporate because I don’t care to have people take the piss.
From now on I will choose who I work with spiritually because in my profession there are a lot of people who come to me just to take advantage of my energy without realising that when I work with you I feel tired and drained afterwards. I am giving you a part of me.
From now on I’m not gonna nod and agree when people say “that’s becky, she’s a bitch” or “she will tell you like it is” or “she’s hard as nails” because I’m none of those things.
My personality so far in my life has been a reaction to the shit I had to deal with behind closed doors, and I’m not gonna be doing that whole “soldiering on” thing anymore. Because I do not owe anybody shit.
I don’t need to prove my good intent or my work because sometimes I don’t have good intent and I don’t wanna do my work. And that’s okay because I don’t owe you shit.
I’m just gonna be happy.