There are many misconceptions surrounding the concept of hurting and healing.
How to process bleak situations, overcome the hurt, and heal. The effective way.
This applies to grief, heartbreak, pretty much any repressed emotion that leads you to believe that you are a ‘troubled’ soul. Innocence is a thing to be recovered and retrieved, pain does not stain the soul forever.
In times of grief, we are told that “time will heal”. These are intended as words of comfort, but in honesty they prevent us from bouncing back the way we should. Time is not a healer; you are a healer. Time assists you in healing.
If you find yourself looking back on a situation that hurt you and telling yourself through gritted teeth that “it made you the person you are today”, you are not healed. It is acceptance of the fact that it happened, and it affected you.
You know you are healed when you look back at a situation that you once could not face, and feel nothing but gratitude and a desire to move on.
Someone could have gone through the worst imaginable heartbreak and got over it. Getting over something means you have learnt to live with the pain until it is forgotten about, maybe repressed and disguised with the aid of several toxic coping mechanisms. The way the memory doesn’t feel so raw in retrospect will deceive you, and lead you to believe you are healed. As a result you’ll forever be questioning why you carry heaviness about you, and confused as to where your bad habits stemmed from.
The truth is that getting over something and healing are two entirely different concepts. Getting over something is what you do when you’re unsure how to process your hurt, when you’re lost. Healing puts you at an entirely different end point, and sets you up for better. We resist it because it means letting go of the expectations and hopes you had for how you thought life was going to unfold, which can be painful.
It’s at this point that many people begin to get defensive, and resist that they’re not truly healed. “I’m doing fine as I am” “I don’t want to change” “it’s not that bad”.
It takes a wake up call for someone to become receptive to change, so if you’re not at that point yet, it’s okay. I wish you well, but do not continue to read in constant protest. If you wish to heal and unlearn everything you’ve taught yourself, continue.
Part of why you’re clinging on to your hurt from the past is because you never want to feel that way again, which is ironic. We keep the feeling of heartache in our memories so that we avoid situations which remind us of how we got there. Perhaps we refuse to ever open up to another person again, we refuse to date; refuse to show anyone our work. This is perceived as having developed character and wisdom as a result of pain, but in reality is far from it.
Through doing this we become a victim to our pain, and close ourselves off from any possible good that may come into our lives.
True strength is healing, coming through the pain, and coming out just as pure as you were before the hurt.
- Release attachment
The pain is mostly felt because of resistance to how life is turning out.
You had an expectation of how the situation was going to unfold. You had hopes, and in your head those hopes would be a reality. It was ‘meant to be’, but wasn’t. You feel the pain, you understand the attachment, and you let it go.
Instead of keeping hold of these memories, you tell yourself that life took a detour. You thought you had it sussed, but instead life wanted to surprise you and teach you another lesson, because you need to be strong in order to reap the rewards for getting through this.
- Rediscover yourself.
It’s incredibly confusing to be told to ‘rediscover yourself’, particularly if you’re coping with loss or dealing with getting fired. I will try to put it simply.
Say you’ve been though a break up. You were alone, you had a good understanding of who you were, what your interests were.
Then you met your partner; you shared interests, they introduced you to some things.
You break up, and it hurts to practice these interests and indulge in the pleasures they introduced you to because it makes you think of them.
Practice anyway, but replace the memories of your partner with knowledge of how your character has changed since you were last single. Rediscover yourself.
What’s new about you since you were last alone? Do you have any new habits? Any new interests?
What is it you love about them? Is it the way you felt when you were first introduced to them? Does it motivate you? Do you like the aesthetic?
Release the person from the subject, be thankful for the way they helped you grow, and acknowledge that the relationship has evolved you as a person. You are now different, but you’re different because of what you’ve learned about yourself; what you’re interested in. Not because you’re stained with pain and grief.
You learned from the person that introduced you to these things.
This was their purpose, there’s nothing they can do for you anymore. Thank the lesson, thank the growth. It was always about you and how your life was supposed to unfold, but we become so wrapped up in attachment and love for others that we forget we are at the centre of it all.
- Find your feet
Try to keep as busy as possible without tiring yourself out and distracting yourself from the healing. You are to be preoccupied with what you are doing rather than spending your time guessing what someone else is doing. Throw yourself into day to day life, change the way you see regular activities. Appreciate what you have around you and seek abundance from daily situations. Every day you wake up you have an idea of how the day will end, but you never truly know how it will end. There is opportunity in everything you do.
- Understand that closure comes from within.
If you are cut up because you are unsatisfied with how something ended, how you never said goodbye, how you never got what you wanted; remember you don’t seek closure, you seek to fill a void. You seek the company. It’s like a drug, you want “one last hit” but as we all know, there is no such thing until you’re looking way back. Understand that this was how it was supposed to end, where you were supposed to be.
You cannot corrupt a soul that knows only how to heal. A soul that has been through troubled times and continues to have innocence about them. Unfortunate circumstances don’t stain a person forever, innocence and purity can be rediscovered. It is our natural state.
Strength is being able to process hurt and allow yourself to be open again. Vulnerability is bravery, allowing yourself to be hurt again for the sake of taking a risk at being happy again is the bravest thing you can do. It’s the gateway to opportunity, bravery is awarded with abundance.
Learning to heal yourself gives you a higher pain threshold; you will never be as hurt as the first time provided you have learnt the steps.