When I was a teenager I was relatively isolated and I YEARNED for a romantic relationship. Do you girls remember that feeling?
Young girls are taught that’s pretty much the goal. Which is whack, but then again, so is everything else that we’re taught.
That’s a topic for another day.
I never got to experience the whole teenage romance thing and was constantly soaked up by how I could seem appealing to boys, how I could market myself to people, how much more fulfilled I would be if my life was like a movie.
We were taught that from day 1. From family members, overhearing casual conversation, role models, society, pop culture in the 00’s. When I was growing up, it was about how you be the person others want to be around. Not how you become you.
I may have yearned for this movie like relationship, but at the same time I was terrified of boys. They were harsh, they were scary, I didn’t feel safe to be intimate with one. They used to tear girls apart in high school and humiliate them. Then they’d recieve no punishment for their uncalled for cruelty.
‘NoT AlL BoYs’- yes thanks I know. But the ones who could pull a girl from a young age all fit this mould.
You either got humiliated or stayed away. Thats the way I saw it anyway.
When I was 18, I was a little more grown. I moved school, reinvented myself, and I developed a brand new outlook where something clicked.
When you’re young, you’re taught to become the character who gets the thing you want.
If we want a relationship, we grow up we see movies and tv shows where the deep and mysterious loner always gets the guys. Effy from skins is a prime example.
So I guess unintentionally, I was being that person for the first however many years of my life. Pouty and mysterious.
I finally realised that being happy and having fun was far better than being any kind of romanticised miserable loner I made up in my own head.
So I was happy, I had fun, and for the first time in my life I was GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF.
getting to know yourself.
The most vital part of life that so many of us miss out on.
We overthink it, we morph into whatever character we think would get all that we are wishing for.
We aren’t taught about alignment and authenticity, finding out what you WANT- not what you’ve seen and think you want.
So I started getting to know myself and my brand, but it was new and a fragile concept.
In this new energy, I became less afraid of boys. I spoke to them more.
I decided I wanted one. So I reeled a guy in that I was interested in.
I did a spell.
I lit a candle and brought in a twin flame. I specifically stated that I wanted a music man who would write songs about me, and I wished for a relationship that I saw in the movies.
Passionate, turbulent, exciting.
(Honey, you got a big storm coming).
I got it.
This isn’t a piece of writing where I’m telling you to do a spell to reel a guy in.
In this piece of writing I’m telling you the mistake I made, and the huge misunderstanding I had about attracting a loving relationship.
I didn’t know myself securely. I dabbled in self, but I’d never experienced the things I wanted to experience so I never knew those things would not make me whole.
I thought that my full self came from external circumstances.
The experience of having a boyfriend, having an Instagram full of friends and experiences, going to parties, having done it all.
So because I invited these experiences in without knowing myself and loving myself; the experiences were a huge weight on my heart and soul.
They were not for me.
This twin flame (aka trauma bond) relationship changed my life.
On a grounded level, it was hell. It was traumatic, abusive, turbulent, psychological hell.
On a spiritual level, the ‘twin flame’ label was like a carrot dangled in front of a donkeys face.
The twin flame gimmick is sold to you, and you’re told “if you heal yourself and heal all your issues, you’ll get the guy”.
I wanted the guy cos I didn’t know myself.
But I HAD to get to know myself to ‘get the guy’.
And so I did.
Every time he triggered me, I asked myself why. Every time he tried to touch me and I pulled away, I asked myself why.
I learned that when I feel panic or intense emotion seemingly for no reason, it’s because the situation I’m experiencing is reminding me of buried trauma.
I went back and learned to heal all my childhood/ past life/ ancestral trauma. Wherever those feelings of panic and discomfort came from I learned about it and healed it.
Every time he was abusive to me, demanded me for my body, manipulated me, declared he was entitled to a piece of me and my energy; I had to ask myself why I allowed this. I taught myself to set boundaries. I asked where in my childhood or past lives or ancestral line or WHEREVER, I was taught to compromise my boundaries for another person.
The more I chased him, the more I healed myself. And as I grew stronger, I got to know myself. I got to want to remove myself from the life I was living, at home, working part time with no aspiration.
As I healed, I was more confident and I set up my business, made friends who resonated with me and GENUINELY made me laugh and gave me connection.
It all came from ME. Knowing myself. Knowing what I like in a person, turning my light on and being authentic so people who match me flock to me like a moth to a flame.
Before, people who came to me did so because I was submissive. Marketing myself towards them.
When a person comes to your life you want to ask “what do you bring to my life”, not “how will they accept me”.
Naturally, as I became more confident and healed, the one person I was hanging to (otherwise known as the ‘twin flame’) began to hate me.
I didn’t let him do whatever he wanted to me anymore. I was louder. More confident. In other words, he was pale in comparison and didn’t like it. So of course he tried to make me feel bad for it.
He would ‘punish’ me by seeing other girls, telling me it was my fault, claiming I made him do things. I really did believe it.
But I was going through a spiritual awakening at the time, so although a part of me believed it, I also saw right through him. I could see that he was projecting his own faults on to me, I just didn’t give him the right label of being a narcissist.
I went through phases where I would try to water myself down to keep this person, but when I did that, my soul repelled it.
This constant yoyo-ing was exhausting, and because I constantly worked through the issue of being made to feel inferior I realised that it only happened because I was consenting to it.
And that was when I realised that I was stronger.
He was pale in comparison.
Never apologise when your light irritates the darkness.
The light is supposed to irritate the darkness.
So after all this work, I was still mistreated. The boy saw other girls behind my back, got into a whole relationship behind my back while I was making some huge career moves, and it was in that moment that I realised- I am disgusted by this.
This is disgusting.
My soul feels rotten being tied to a situation so out of alignment with my natural, authentic self.
This is everything I stand against.
And I never want another woman to go through the same thing because of all the fucked up conditioning they’ve had instilled in them since birth.
So when this person was kicked out of my life, I really began to heal.
I blogged everything I learned all the way through from april 2019 to March 2020.
And towards the end of that time, I got a boyfriend.
The next blog speaks about how I did that.
The fact that I got a boyfriend is the reason I’m talking about this now.
Because I want any reader who resonates with this to be empowered enough to KNOW that you have no business settling for a relationship because you think satisfaction is a thing to be earned.