Often times, people are dicks. This can be for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, you cannot stop people from being dicks, but what you CAN do is control yourself to make sure that this persons dickhead behaviour does not affect you too negatively.
To simplify, you have 2 options. It is vital to know who needs to go, and who needs patience and space. Those who you need to let go of, can simply be let go of. Focus on yourself, focus on putting yourself first and knowing that you have every right to cut this person off and stand tall in your decision without looking back.
Sometimes, people behave like dicks, but they aren’t really dicks. This is tricky. Luckily, I have dealt with many a wanker in my time, and I have learned how to deal with such a scenario.
People behave in a way which isn’t in line with who they are really because they’re lost. That’s all it is. They’re caught up in the moment. Often times these people are navigating through some insanely tough stuff and they’re dealing with it in a horrendous way. Everyone does that sometimes, you’ve done that sometimes and so have I- it’s just life. These people cannot be helped because they don’t value themselves enough to accept help, it’s a karmic quest they have to go on all by themselves to learn a lesson and grow- you cannot change them. Either that, or it’s their own mission to figure out why it’s a mistake and they think they know best right now. Honestly, they probably do, because they’re doing what needs to be done for them to have some kind of lesson learned. It will only make you feel shit if you stick around and sacrifice yourself, dragging yourself through the mud to accommodate another persons journey. You will never reach personal satisfaction for as long as you play the martyr.
So what do you do??
You hold space.
Holding space is what we do when a very dear loved one who you want to be in your life is unable to show up in your life right now because they’re off being a dick and going all crazy. The kindest and most loving thing you can do for yourself and for everyone involved, is to detach.
I get it. I really get it. You want to tell your best friend that her boyfriend is a massive shithead who will fuck her over, and you want to tell your druggo friends that they’re writing off their whole lives and that it’s a losing game, and you want to tell your sister that her group of friends don’t deserve her- but they won’t listen. They’re not ready. You’re wasting your breath, time, energy, and you’re breaking your own heart. You cannot save people. You are not a martyr. You deserve happiness too and you need to stay faithful to your own soul.
You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with, from birth all the way up to your dying day. Show up for yourself. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t distract yourself with shitty habits because you feel sad about what’s happening, rise above what is happening and lead the way for yourself.
When something begins to put a strain on you, when people keep neglecting your needs, when you’re mistreated, unappreciated, when your close friend strays away, when people get busier- let it happen. If you want them to stay, let it happen.
Do not by any means stand for disrespect, you tell people exactly how you feel in a collected way and let them know your piece, but then that’s it. No arguments, no emotion. You let them make their own mistakes, and you focus on how you’re going to spend your days now. What is the most productive thing you can be doing right now? What will give you long term happiness that you can feed into right now? What do you need to do for yourself right now?
The worst thing you can do is continue to be that little fly on someone’s shoulder constantly buzzing around telling them pearls of wisdom which will just sound like noise to them. They’re not bad people for not listening, they’re just not ready yet. This is their bit. For as long as you tell people what’s gonna happen in relationships that are nothing to do with you, or continually remind people of all the mistakes currently taking place, they will be on the defence. You’ll only sabotage your relationship with them.
They’ll have their wake up call one day and then they’ll know you’re right, but that’s not the point is it? The point is that you care. Don’t wait for them, don’t put your life on hold in hopes that someone will stop moving forward in theirs, even if they are chasing their tail. Take responsibility for yourself, and detach from outcome. Water your own flowers. If things are meant to be, this person will come back. Likely a more grown up version of themselves who will appreciate that you cared so much to hold space; but don’t do this for them. Don’t do this for that one outcome that you’d like to think would happen, because it might never happen. The key is to become so lost in self care, actual self care, that you’re happy now without them. Be on a constant journey for untouchable happiness. Do it because it’s self care as much as it is care for them.
True colours are always shown, they will realise that the boyfriend is a dick and then you can be their shoulder to cry on when they don’t have anyone else. They will always realise that they don’t belong in some constant state of fuzziness with absolutely nothing going for them. They won’t realise that while you’re waiting.
If you truly cared for them, you wouldn’t be so dependent on them. You cannot completely care for or love someone else if you do not first care for or love yourself.