Yesterday my sister came round and helped me do my hair. I tried dying it blonde but I missed the back because I was too ‘fuck it’ about the whole ordeal and it ended up being incredibly patchy.
My sister recently dropped out of uni because she didn’t resonate with it. She is trying to figure out her own path and figure out who she is- and she’s beginning to break away from all the old narratives she was brought up with in pursuit of her own idea of a fulfilling life.
I am really proud of her and I love to see it. I can see such a change in her. To me it is amazing when kids rebel.
Anyways, I was putting some stupid video on my insta story of me with a filter on my face that turned me into a horse.
Incredible content, obviously.
She asked “how do you just wake up and like, not give a shit? I mean I am getting that way and I do actually quite like myself now but I don’t know, how do you just like, not care?”.
It was amusing to me how this all came from me turning myself into a horse and making a tit of myself for the world to see.
That gave me the idea to write this, because when I was in high school the concept of not caring was entirely foreign to me.
My response was “I think after a certain number of breakdowns you begin to realise that nothing really matters that much”.
I would like to elaborate though, because that sounds like I’m manic or whatever, but really I’m just genuinely at peace. For now.
When I was in high school I was a complete anxious wreck, honestly. I barely lived life. Other peoples opinions of me felt like survival, I paid no attention to myself, I didn’t know who I was, I just felt like a floating shell of a human. I gave too many shits.
And I left, went to sixth form, reinvented myself, and continued to give too many shits but in a different way.
I made sure I looked good, I people pleased, I spoke my mind more. I was kind.
That worked, but because my relationship with myself still depended on how people I liked saw me, I was still quite anxious. I filtered myself more.
When I left school I had a relationship that really made me delve into the way I see myself. Often times you only really get to know who you are by interacting with people and getting to know your responses/reactions to peoples speech and mannerisms.
That was when I realised I gave too many shits. And in that series of breakdowns, I had so many ‘traumatic’ realisations about the narrative going on in my head that I was forced to work through my issues.
I used ‘holistic’ approaches to work through my issues because they made sense to me, and it took me about 3 years to get to where I am.
Here are the 3 main epiphanies I had that I would say got me to where I am.
Basically, to begin not caring- I realised that my entire belief system was taught to me by other people and therefore didn’t belong to me.
Until you’re about 7 years old, your brain is like a psychological sponge because you are learning to be in the world.
So any information/ narratives given to you by your parents, guardians, authority figures during this time is REALLY going to shape who you are in the future. At this time, authority figures word is gospel because obeying them helps you survive.
When you are older, you become their equal. And when you become their equal and do all the things they do (like work and pay bills) you can realise that a narrative isn’t working for you. You can also call bullshit on it and decide to undo that narrative in your head in order to change your life.
That’s how I first learned to not care. Just by being angry, if I’m being honest.
For example, I believed that my worth in life equates to me being materially successful. This was not my own belief; it was something that I was taught.
When I realised that being materially successful is not the same as being worthy of life, I was happier.
And when I was happier, I realised that I would like to be materially successful because I am worth it.
And when I felt worth it, money making became easy because I learnt to do it MY way, profiting off MY gifts and talents and natural abilities.
I looked up my natal chart, got into astrology, and through that I realised that I am not just a tiny ant like human going through the motions.
I’m not saying you have to get into astrology- but in life there is truth and there is external noise that helps you connect to the truth.
The base/ main concept of all religions and faiths is the same, but the way it’s put into practice varies. People’s understanding of how to connect to peace varies.
That’s the same with ‘spiritual’ concepts and tools.
You can know yourself and be sure of yourself without astrology, but it’s likely you will use a different tactic to get to know yourself.
Astrology and the natal chart was the thing for me. It helped me to learn how I play a part in this big star ship.
When I looked up my transits and saw that there was almost like a blue print of my life and the troubles I would face written there, something clicked.
When there is a problem in my life, it is usually telling me something about my soul.
I am a soul on a mission and not just a tiny person with a series of little issues that make me feel really deeply for no reason.
I believe that if I have a very intense anxiety/ fear/ anger about something- it’s because I’m feeling it in my soul. My soul doesn’t care about the pettiness of the world, it cares about healing itself so that it can be at peace.
I can’t heal that intense feeling by simply ‘fixing’ the petty thing at hand.
Someone could piss me off and then apologise but I could still be stewing about if afterwards because it’s the feeling that lasts, not the circumstance.
So when working through this I had to focus on myself at all times regardless of what was going on around me. For example I had a bunch of weird, irrational yet crippling anxieties that seemingly no one else had.
For ages I wrote it off as childhood trauma, or just some weird chemical imbalance, or whatever. But eventually when I got to the root of it- it wasn’t about the surface level concept of just *going out with my family* or *eating in public* or *talking about certain things*.
It was actually just about my understanding and programming around those topics.
I learned about the chakras to determine how my programming and inner narratives affect the way I relate to food, social stimulation, being seen, feeling safe.
In a nutshell, I realised that despite the fact that there are things outside of my control (like HAVING to eat, HAVING to have people see me); everything (to an extent) revolves around me (lol).
Knowing that anxiety and stuff isnt actually that deep- and I have the power to heal it whenever I want- I am able to achieve peace because I know that I can switch it up at any moment.
I have a method of healing, and I know that if there is a challenge in my life, it is there for me to work around.
Regardless of circumstance (whether it be a fall out with someone, feeling like I was done dirty by someone, feeling like nothing is working out for me)- if I feel negative, I concentrate on the emotion.
It’s got to the point now where if something ‘negative’ comes to my attention I am quite excited because when you finally learn to get rid of it you feel really accomplished.
To me, in my understanding, feeling is the foundation for everything.
I feel negative, and I listen to it. I ask where I feel it.
I have tools that I use for this. Sometimes I focus on my chakras to help with this. Sometimes I look at my natal chart, and sometimes I use kinesiology.
If I struggle to understand what’s wrong, I don’t push it. I just sit with it until I can understand what’s wrong.
If what I currently know doesn’t help me understand, I will look for other methods of healing myself.
I’ll read books, listen to spiritual teachers/ healers that I resonate with. I’ll study something more grounded like psychology. Sometimes I will need to experience something or be introduced to a new way of doing something. I’ll just wait and trust that it will work out until I get the epiphany.
Then when I finally understand my issue (eg. Something happened in childhood which made me feel a certain way now), I will acknowledge it. Then I will recognise how that affects my life today.
And when I see how it affects me today, I will recognise the behaviours it gave me, and do the opposite to reprogram the narrative in my head.
This takes a lot of repetition and practice.
For example, I spent a lot of my childhood having to be a grown up. That made me scared to have fun and be seen having fun. It made me not want to be seen at all.
When I realised that, I began wearing bright coloured makeup, hula hooping, and I took a pole dance class. If I felt anxious I basically felt the fear and did it anyway because I knew that fear wasn’t me talking, it was the adults in my life from when I was a kid.
It was easier to rebel against them.
In doing those things I became a different person and my old trauma means nothing to me anymore. I fixed it and I can let go of it.
So in short, I don’t care because life is a lot bigger and more meaningful to me than other peoples perceptions of me.
I also know that for as long as somebody is potentially looking down their nose at me, their life isn’t going to be too great because they’re not investing in it. If somebody doesn’t like me, I know that I’m living from my soul and if they don’t like what that looks like it’s probably because they’re scared of themselves and they’re scared of authenticity. So I have no desire to be around them anyway.
I know that I attract people who are like me.
Happiness and comfort comes from me, and therefore I don’t depend on anything external for that.
But in order to feel this way, I once had to feel the opposite.
There are things called ‘mystery schools’ which teach this kind of thing. I have never been a part of one, but I would like to one day.