Going into a healthy relationship after an abusive one

So now I’ve taken you through the healing journey I’ll sum it up for you. 

In my 18 years of living, I never knew myself. I never felt myself, experienced what it was like to be myself. 

Because I was conditioned so deeply to be somebody that I wasn’t for the sake of being accepted by people that honestly and truly, I authentically didn’t care about. 

Once I healed all of that, realised that everything aside from myself is an illusion, and when my own soul became so fascinating and desirable that I delved deep into it; I was safe. 

Your own soul has all the secrets. You can manifest ANYTHING when you are in alignment with your own soul. 

ANYTHING that your AUTHENTIC SELF wants. 

But your soul will keep things from you that your conditioning has taught you that you want. 

So the desire to know my own soul ended all other desires. 

I was captivated. 

And I had fun. 

I was set to travel, I worked many jobs because I wanted so many experiences, I wanted to learn so much. I laughed so often. 

I had friends to keep me from being lonely and I knew that if I were to just go into another relationship without healing, it would be a repeat of what I just went through.

If you don’t change, the relationships you attract won’t change either.

I was busy, and I couldn’t believe that I could work through these intimacy issues while I was uncertain about my life. I didn’t think I could trust a man when all the men I had met set an unappealing example. 

And in my reluctancy to get into a relationship after 6 months+ passed, I realised that was a wound in itself.

Fear of a relationship is also a wound.

I spoke to my friend the shaman about it. 

This was when I had to open up to the idea of a healthy relationsip.

I’d never seen one before. I had to learn about them.

I was defending myself too much to let any softness in, but I wanted the softness. I became lonely without it.

She taught me about getting to the root of insecurity and transmuting it. 

It brought me confidence. 

She taught me about working past shame. 

And as I did that, I looked at life. I looked at how this shame and insecurity manifested in my life. The relationships it kept me from creating.

I was happy with all I was experiencing, but still cried from time to time because every now and then I felt like a victim to loneliness. 

That’s a massive contradiction.

You can have it all. An abusive relationship just teaches you about yourself. It doesn’t teach you that all relationships are the same.

I wanted someone in my life the way all my friends had someone. Just for company and good times.

So what’s the harm in giving a relationship a try?

But I wasn’t about to do a spell again. 

That was the only way I knew to attract someone before, but I evolved past that. 

So what I did was instead of coming from a place of lack, I decided to act as if. 

When you come from a place of lack, you are desperate.

When you put something on a pedestal, you lessen yourself.

When you lessen yourself, you allow yourself to be treated badly.

So in manifesting this new connection, I had to be whole.

I became excited. I envisioned the person I wanted and I wrote down what I wanted to feel in that relationship. 

Not what traits I wanted them to have, but what I wanted to feel. What I wanted to be. 

Safe

Loved

Happy

Humoured 

Satisfied

Etc. 

When I had that in front of me, I meditated myself into feeling all those things. 

I felt safe, loved, happy, humoured, satisfied just because I wanted to feel that way. 

So when I felt all that, I became excited to hug the person who is a companion to that version of me. I said to myself “I am so lucky. We’re such good friends as well as anything else. This is so easy”. 

For the next few days I concentrated on that feeling of fulfilment. Being happy to have someone, even though physically they weren’t there yet. 

A week later I met them and we were dating. 

They could not be any different from the first person I was with. 

They get me flowers, show up for me every time, sit there with me if I’m sad, encourage me to open up to them, respect me, exist with me. They don’t force me into anything. 

It’s the healthy relationship I’ve never seen before. 

So to sum up, the way you ‘get the guy’ is not by changing yourself or convincing yourself that you want something you’ve never even experienced. 

It’s by getting to know yourself, healing yourself, and existing with someone who matches that. 

It’s not about how somebody else makes you feel, it’s about how you feel when in the company of somebody who allows you to feel that way when you share the same space. 

Here are some articles I wrote as I was in between relationships, they may help you to heal.

I also watched a lot of Marissa Peers and Laura Ansell on YouTube.

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