We are all the toxic person sometimes. Even worse when you don’t realise it and try to project your own issues on to other people. I have said before, people act as mirrors to us. Sometimes it takes something really heart wrenching to realise that we have brought everything we feel on to ourselves, and it is so wrong to put that on other people by the way you treat them or talk to them just because you don’t see it yet. When you realise this, it’s too much to even deal with.
When it comes to healing sometimes we can be too intense. It’s passionate and sent with good intent but sometimes it comes out the wrong way and its suffocating. Then we wonder “why are they being ungrateful” without realising that you’re hurting them by putting so much pressure on them.
Sometimes, I try to help, but I’m being selfish in the way that I want to help. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I run away from it, but when it finally catches up to me I feel like shit.
I write this not to be self indulgent, but because I know people relate to my work.
Back when I was all over the place I’d punish myself for not being perfect, because forgiving myself was a mystery. I wanted to feel like I’d made it up to whoever I hurt by hurting myself on behalf of them. It took a lot of healing to realise that was ridiculous, so instead, I started to punish myself by healing.
I don’t wanna feel sad or remember things or feel the way I do when I sit down and look at why I am the way I am. I hate it, it makes me cry and it makes me feel like I’m never gonna be worthy or have anything good again. I do it because eventually, i come out of it a better person and I’m able to have learned my lesson. I have learned lately that not everyone works like that. Pushing people to heal the same way you do is not right. It’s a horrible thing to do.
If someone would have sat me down a few years ago and forced me to face my demons, I’d have run away or topped myself. People sit down with their demons if and when they are ready.
Sometimes people heal through forgetting about things, or distracting themselves, or throwing themselves into action. I personally heal through sitting down with myself and asking “why?”. Neither is right or wrong.
So I feel bad right now, and I’m gonna sit down and ask myself why. And then, I’ll come out of it a better person for having done it. The better person I will have become is a person who is there for people non judgementally if and when they choose to discuss certain things with me. I am entitled to nothing, anything shared with me is something to be grateful for. At the core of it all, our main concerns are ourselves, and the people who surround us are there to have fun with and share good experiences with. Darkness isn’t for everyone.