People are not heroes and villains. People are individual complex souls with histories and stories just as detailed as your own. Nobody is a villain in their own head, nobody wants to believe that they have done wrong or inflicted harm on people, people only react from a place of emotion and impulsivity. People are as good as they are able to be, they are as evolved as they have allowed themselves to be. People act in accordance to their growth.
Process and validate your anger or upset, don’t excuse the behaviour inflicted on you that was wrong, but understand it and sympathise with the person who did it.
Forgiveness is for the forgivee, because you are worthy of peace. To forgive someone is not a sign of weakness, nor is it making excuses for a person who wronged you. Forgiveness is ultimately an act of self love, as it makes you stronger and brings you peace. To forgive someone who wronged you is to understand that what they did to hurt you was done as a reflection of their own issues, not because you are unworthy.
To use time, distractions and anger to forget an event is not to forgive. To bitterly look into the past with a “fuck you” is to respond with raw emotion, a reaction which stems from insecurity. To bitterly look back into the past in this way is to have accepted that this person has proved to you that you are not worthy; they have broken you and you will never be the same. This is not an act of self love, this will cause you to claim the title of a victim, sending you on a downwards spiral while the person who hurt you is seemingly unaffected. This is not acceptable, but revenge or victimhood is not the answer.
People ultimately act as mirrors for ourselves. When we love people it’s because we resonate with them, we share their humour, ideas in things, we feel at home with them. When people hurt us, we are bothered because they have projected something on to us which we do not feel comfortable with- be it a behaviour/trait we dislike because subconsciously we see it in ourselves, or an act of wrong doing which triggers an insecurity within us and causes us upset; they are projections. We do not have to take them to heart, instead learn from them, understand that they are a test, and we are untouchably enough.
Don’t mistake this as “of course I attracted this person into my life, they’re a piece of shit and I’m a piece of shit too, I deserve this”. Take this as “I attracted this person into my life because (eg.there are qualities in them which I like). I can appreciate these qualities while realising that this person is troubled. Everyone is somewhat troubled, it’s human nature. Hating this person would be stupid and useless. What this person has taught me is that I don’t like (a certain quality) and I don’t want that in my life anymore. I will do my best to make sure I release this quality within myself, as well as be sure to not tolerate that behaviour again. I am enough and I deserve good.”
Shift the focus from what they did to who you are. Who do you want to be, how would that person react, what is the outcome good for?
Someone could wrong you and you spend your time being angry at them going in circles in your head about what they did and how it was shit; when in reality you could cut ties with the anger and just be. A person wronged you, do you wanna be angry, bitter, venomous and inflict your negativity into the world or do you wanna be gentle, forgiving yet full of self respect and fierceness? Focus on being proud of yourself for your response rather than being hurt and out to get revenge.
Whether you choose to keep the person in your life or not, forgiveness is a vital part of getting over something. Dwelling on hurt will only harden you and block you from growing and receiving better. When you harden, you lose a piece of yourself. A piece of yourself that sees magic and adventure in mundane reality, the piece of you that gives you bravery and courage to enjoy life and feel things. You owe it to yourself to relieve yourself of grudges and become light again. You’re more powerful than to allow yourself to be knocked down and sink at the impact of a fellow tiny human being.