finding the will to live (lol omg)

When I first started this blog it was winter 2017. I had a different life, different brain, different family, home, everything. It was a time where it felt like I had absolutely nothing to hold on to. When I was a kid, I was forever writing. From the age of 11-16 I wrote about 8 full books of journals (which I set fire to so good luck getting a hold of those). At 18, after leaving sixth form and deferring uni and not having a clue- I basically had a breakdown which I wrote myself out of. I had a blog (transferred all the worthwhile articles onto this one dw) called ‘chilloutalready’ and wrote a three part saga. ‘To be suicidal without wanting to die’, ‘hurting and healing’, and ‘processing old hurts to prevent repetition’. I basically wrote myself out of a breakdown and structured it in a way where I was giving advice and answers to people in my position. With so much support and messages of praise, it was affirmed to me that this type of writing/ conversation is what I’m here for to some degree.

This blog has seen me write as all kinds of different versions of myself. Cynical, practical, sociable, introverted, spiritual, well, depressed, busy, bored. In the bath today I was thinking, one of the most self-destructive things I’ve done is write off past versions of myself as being clueless.

 In my last piece I wrote about an epiphany I had when it came to my health. In the last few years I’ve had a more practical head on my shoulders and have made my way through a fair share of chaos and trauma. The practical side of me does me well, but I shunned away the intuitive wishy washy self care side almost entirely. This basically manifested in me becoming ill with something that could lead to chronic illnesses, so the way I am processing this is a warning. It doesn’t matter what happens ‘to’ me in life- if I do not take care of myself, if I make excuses for not taking care of myself and my emotions- I will lose my will to live, my energy, and I will make myself unwell.

Today I began taking some echinacea- which I will take everyday for 3 months as an antiviral. I’m also slightly adjusting my diet to have more magnesium and food that benefits the spleen (though I eat pretty well already). Thinking about doing one of them celery juice drink things because apparently, they get rid of allergies. These are practical things, these are things we can do to sort the body out.

Illness comes from the inside out, this is my understanding. You feel something, the energy gets trapped in the body, and you become ill. This has proved true to me time and time again throughout my life. We can treat things at surface level, but If you don’t clear that stuff from the source- it will persist.

So to follow on from my last piece- I’m living life in accordance to the way I feel more. I believe I have become unwell because I basically allowed myself to believe that I was obligated to live life and therefore it became a chore more than a joy.

I’ve been getting in touch with my emotions and sensitivity more- which I’ve shut down in the last year or so. I’ve been doing little things to check in with myself and enjoy life. I mean little things.

History sometimes laps back around and you become reminiscent of the person you once were. I’ve been thinking about the way I lived my life when I started this blog. That was such a pivotal and genuinely euphoric stage of life.

I want to share some things, maybe it will spark inspiration in another person.

Things I did to be in a high vibe:

  • Took baths. In stuff. Putting essential oils in. Burning incense while in the bath, bathing in anything high vibe (rose petals, lavender, chamomile which I sieved out after). If you soak in epsom/Himalayan salt for 10 minutes, it will cleanse you. Any more than 10 minutes and your body will soak up all the bad vibes again. Exfoliate.
  • when you feel hopeless- ask the universe “show me how it gets better”. Then look for how it gets better. When you want something- ask for it. Feel it. Be on the look out for it just as a game with the universe- don’t hold out for it cos it’s not that deep. Just play with the universe and when these things come to you- notice it. Be excited about the fact these things showed up.
  • listened to music from the 60s, 70s and 80s like my life depended on it. Music from back then- particularly the 70s stuff is just on another level. So high vibrational, just made me feel so good and unashamed to be myself and identify with something.
  • Cleanse with chamomile product, tone with rose water toner, apply a natural facemask, exfoliate with sugar, use an exfoliating tool for blackheads. Use natural products with intent as a way to enhance and recognise your own natural beauty- you have nothing to prove and no reason to look good for the world. The point is that as a practice, this ritual will give you time to focus on the divinity inside of you.
  • Wake up in the morning and visualise. Journal. Feel optimism inside you. Listen to chakra music as you meditate on the feeling of them. Switch it up everyday, but do something for yourself before just engaging with your social media accounts or mindlessly giving away your reactivity.
  • Get ready and dressed regardless of what you have to do. It’s not a waste of product. It is an investment in self which will elevate your quality of life. When you get dressed, choose something you want to wear. Don’t just reach for something that’s comfy, easy and reliable. Let your inner child choose what you want to wear and what you want to look like-feel good in it.
  • Meditate regularly, doesn’t have to be for long. Just long enough to connect with self and become aware that you are the centre of your life, and you can control it to a degree. You have control of yourself. Concentrate on the excitement of life. Anything can happen at any time depending on how you play your cards, and there are tricks everywhere.
  • Consume media that makes you feel good, consume media that you connect with, consume media that teaches you selfcare on levels that go deep. Consume it when you want to. Don’t make yourself watch anything out of convenience, the key is to find excitement in every action you take.
  • Nice smells. Incense and oils and flowers.
  • Listen to frequency music every now and then, it just feels good.
  • Be aware of the moon’s cycles and manifest/ release with them. It’s fun and gives you a sense of power and awareness.
  • I accepted myself fully at this time in my life, and I was unashamed. My personality was the same no matter who I was with or where I went, and while this sometimes worked to my detriment (mostly due to lack of self development) I had the most fun life. Everyday was an adventure. I had so many friends who just connected on a different level, we understood and accepted each other in a way I never felt before. It was constant laughter, freedom, spontaneity, creativity and fun. Self acceptance comes from just seeing the world as wanting to be your friend. We lose that spirit with age and harsh experience, but through these practices and disengagement from all the doom and gloom projected in the news and media; we can find it again. It isn’t naïve to tend to your emotions.

I’m having a much better time than I was last week, despite my life being a little traumatic at the moment on paper. I hope that you may remember practices that make you feel good. There is a need to focus on the inner child at the moment.

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