“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”― Rumi
I firmly believe that time (as annoying a construct as it is) is the driver behind our way of being. Things happen naturally. You can’t always force yourself to feel differently, or see things differently, or think differently- because if a belief or thought process is causing you to feel a certain emotion it is likely that emotion is necessary for you right now. You need it, as difficult as it may be to sit with, in order to make the decisions you need to make at this time.
If you’re angry, angry enough to make change, you need to have integrity. If you’re hurt for good reason, you need to own that emotion because you deserve to feel hurt. It’s your right to feel hurt.
The act of constantly feeling the need to compromise your emotion for the sake of giving the rest of the world an easy life is putting yourself secondary everybody else. It is not selfish to put yourself first.
I am not saying that you should milk or exaggerate your hurt, nor am I saying that this is your excuse to be toxic and hurt others in return. I’m saying do the best you can- but if your emotions can’t shift by force, then listen to them. Follow the way your heart feels. Dealing with whatever consequences which come as a result of your emotion is a lesson you are destined to learn.
In saying that, after months of feeling a certain way, it is possible that this stagnant emotion no longer serves you. If it has become a habit to feel a certain way despite acknowledging the need to move on and put the past to bed, this is when you need to actively shift that emotion. You’ll know that it’s time to let the hurt go because finally you’ll feel the release of it.
I am no expert. I haven’t done any qualifications or studied anything legitimate, I just learn as I experience life and then I write about it on the off chance that someone may read this and feel better for it.
What I’m writing about today I have learned from YouTube, books (namely Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray), and blogs on medium.
The way I understand things is perhaps a little more abstract than the way others understand things. Maybe it’s dated, but either way it works for me.
Within us, we have an inner masculine and a feminine.
The masculine is the force that moves forward. It’s assertive, independent, concrete, organised, logical, and controlling. It does things.
The feminine is the force that allows and surrenders. It’s the state of being. It’s intuitive and abstract, its nurturing and receptive; creative, soft and calm.
When you are shown cruelty, be it from a male or female, we have a tendency to completely shut down whichever side of us has been hurt for fear of becoming the person who hurt us.
For example, you may have had a father who was too busy for you. He didn’t dedicate very much time to you, he wasn’t very nice to your mother, and you were very hurt by him. As a result you may grow up completely rejecting what you perceive to be your masculine side, refusing to go to work the type of job that he did to provide, refusing to get things done, seeking out emotionally unstable relationships to try and fix your partner and claim your own masculinity; refusing to be him.
If you had a mother who was very highly emotional, you may reject that feminine side- refusing to listen to emotion or laze around, constantly having to be on the go-getting things done.
When you turn your back on a masculine or feminine figure, you turn your back on a part of yourself. It’s a coping mechanism we use. We shut down and reject all aspects of this person that hurt us. You will not be able to find peace that way, always resenting something.
This is not to say that you have to rekindle relationships with the people who hurt you. It does not mean that by any stretch.
You cannot change people and that is a simple fact of life. Your mission is not to fix people so that you can eventually be at peace, your mission is to learn from people so that you can become at peace.
It means that you need to recognise that your inner masculine/feminine was wounded, and you need to focus on fixing that.
What don’t you like about yourself? What characteristics do you have because you feel they were imposed on you? Where did they come from?
Once you’ve found where they came from- you can ask the question ‘How can I forgive what was done to me? How can I have empathy for the person who did me wrong? How can I turn this into love?’.
Your purpose is not to find love with this person again, and your purpose in forgiving this person is not to rekindle and magically have a fairytale ending. Your purpose is simply to find peace.
You will carry hurt and stubbornness with you for as long as you need it, but holding onto it when it no longer serves you keeps you a prisoner of the past who can’t seem to move forwards.
Physically you may be in a new flat in a different country, but the resentment you bare for your parents will burn a hole in your life causing you to remain unhappy.
While what happened to you may have been unfair and wrong, as I read somewhere, ‘the best revenge is to not be like that’. The best ‘revenge’ you can get is the absence of desire to get revenge. You don’t need it. You’ll be okay.
So your father who may have been absent. He had his own issues. What were his issues? Where do you think those came from? What did he do in the grand scheme of things which he thought showcased his love?
Your mother who was too emotional. Can you understand and
sympathise? Can you acknowledge that she did wrong and also understand the reasoning
behind what she did?
The point is not to understand to excuse, but to understand to find peace.
Are there parts of these people that you miss? Do you miss the warmth they gave you in their hugs as a child? Do you miss the security you may have felt for a brief moment when things were good?
Have you rejected the feelings of security and warmth for fear of them being snatched away? Are you neglecting the needs of your inner masculine and feminine?
Could you be softer if you allowed yourself? Could you be more motivated and driven once you find the reasoning behind why you refuse to be that way?
You move on physically, and then you move on emotionally.
You don’t need to be at war forever, and you don’t need to have a relationship with people that you can’t change. You just need to figure out how to find peace.