Ego Deaths

Awakening is going to happen to everyone on this earth within the next 20 years (at a stretch). That may seem like a bold statement to make, but if you look around you, you might be able to already see it happening.

People are transforming, attitudes are changing, and everything just feels like a whirlwind as another day goes by.

Those who first awakened did so because something hit them deep down, and they had to go through it to lead the way.

If you’ve experienced a lot of trauma as a child, have had your idea of self incredibly warped, or if you’ve had your fair share of abusive/co-dependent/shit show relationships, you will likely find yourself at some point down the road feeling stagnant, numb and as though you’ve lost yourself.

No matter how far you fall, you will be put on the right track in time. It will happen eventually. This isn’t something to fear, because quite literally, it is happening to everyone. This is the process of awakening.

The planet is awakening at this time. The world may seem like a place full of doom and horror, it may seem lost and hopeless and completely irretrievable. And yet, we can see it now. The Earth was still dying 10-20 years ago when people were significantly less aware or mindful of it, but it just went dismissed. We can see the deterioration now. We can see the corals dying and the ice caps melting. We can see the poverty, the wars, the governmental manipulation and the way the media is made up of a lot of propaganda. We can see all the things that make the world dark now, so that we can ask the question “what can I do to prevent my little life from contributing to this”. That is progress. We can see it so that we can change it. The world looks gloomy, but it is actually the most liberated and technicolour it has been in a long time.

People are waking up.

With awakening comes ego death. The death of your ego, funnily enough.

Ego deaths are beautiful, but let it be known, they are not fun.

I was talking with a friend about some extensive research that I was doing about ayahuasca and how I was so convinced that it’s going to gain popularity soon.

Ayahuasca is an absolutely fascinating, powerful ancient plant medicine that is used among tribes and retreat centres for healing purposes. It’s a psychedelic, and these ancient tribes believe that in the drink lies a mother spirit who shows you everything you need to see, or experience, in order to heal. It is not fun, but it’s powerful, and it heals. It’s a life changing thing.

Often times, ayahuasca can trigger spiritual awakening.

I expressed to my friend my curiosity for what it could do for people who had already been through a spiritual awakening. Obviously, there is no “peak” for how woke you can be, consciousness is always evolving, and we can always grow. I wondered if there would be a secondary awakening, or a more minor ego death (if there is such thing).

My friend seemed taken back by the fact that I had ever experienced an ego death. Apparently, people think that awakening is rare, or that ego deaths are things that only ever happen if you have a near death experience or if you’re coming down from an absolute fuck tonne of hard drugs.  (It’s actually v interesting to me how drugs can give the effect of an ego death, but that’s a whole other thing).

Ego deaths are experienced with awakening, which can happen from simply dedicating yourself to healing. Doesn’t matter in what context. When you heal, you will evolve- and with evolution, comes the death of the ego.

So what is an ego death like to experience?

When I first started writing, I would write through my ego deaths. I would get to a point where by body physically hurt from crying and I genuinely did not know what to do but cradle my pain, meditate, watch tarot readings and spiritual teachers on YouTube, and write. I would talk about how I was trying to transmute and understand what I was feeling.

Ego death feels like everything you once knew to be true, and every expectation you ever had, every memory and sentiment you had attached to it, is coming crashing down. It’s the process of learning to disassociate from what you have been taught “life” is, and who “you” are.

You might be thinking ‘why is that necessary?’ and if you don’t know what an ego death is you might feel like you’re going mad. When you’re through the other side, you’ll see why it was necessary, because you’ll be able to look at everything through brand new eyes and you’ll be able to see what it taught you. With ego death comes freedom. It’s like you’re operating on behalf of yourself for the first time rather than being a cog in the machine; a walking, talking product of what you’ve been taught.

It’s not pretty. You’re forced to think about things you don’t want to think about, memories will come flashing into your mind and the only thing you can do about it is surrender. You keep replaying this idea of how life should be in your head, and you grip on and on as the idea is desperately tugging to slip through your fingers until you’re so strained that you have no choice- and you let go.

If you resist it, the pain persists. Once you surrender, you release attachments, and you’re simply letting your consciousness evolve. You can’t hold on to the past version of yourself if that person needs to be left behind for you to live.

People call it purging. You purge everything that feels wrong.

When people do ayahuasca, some people get physically sick and they describe the experience as feeling your internal grudges and resentments and memories come up and out of you as you throw up.

For those not under the influence, you may become ill forcing you to stay in bed with your thoughts all day. You may have a weird pain or ache manifest as a result of your chakras trying to tell you something. Or, you may just become so depressed and unable to ignore repressed emotion that you can’t get out of bed one day because you’re too sad.

I’m describing a horrible experience, but I think it’s insanely beautiful. After you do this, there’s nothing to hide from. You’re a clean slate and you get to create whatever life you want. You’re no longer a prisoner to your past, or your programming. You’re free, and you’re woke, and you’re on the next level.

Here are some of the pieces of work I did while I was trying to find enlightenment and let the pain of an ego death pass. If you’d be interested in reading, or you think that anything I’ve written might help you get through a similar situation, I encourage you to have a read.

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