The five of wands was in the position of my past.
“Conflict. Conflict from all angles. Mostly unrecognised by others and mostly unspoken about.”
“I picked up on conflict with the mother when I first met you” the shaman added in.
“You were trapped throughout the beginning of your life and it was for good reason, it taught you many lessons, but now you’re trapped because of your own doing. You don’t know how to get out of it yet”.
The shaman’s son looked over the emperor card, which was laid on its side across the chariot card in the ‘blockage’ position.
He hesitated and nodded, looking as though he was listening to a deeper wisdom.
“This is your Dad” he said, looking at the chariot and pointing to the man in the centre of two wolves.
“And this is you being pulled in too many directions. Your energy is all over the place, it’s spread too thin. You’re doing too many things. You’re giving too much. His voice and comments have become an internal monologue in you, but you’re not a bad person, your existence alone is enough, and you just need to follow what you feel is right”.
“Your Dad is your Dad, sure; but he’s just a man. You need to look at him like a picture in a frame and hang his face on the cork board. You associate from time to time but that’s what he is. A face on the corkboard that you see from time to time. He is not your life. His words and beliefs are just a projection of him and what he has been through. He’s just a man.”
“You need to call your power back” the shaman piped up, returning from a cig in the garden.
“You are using the idea of university as a crutch my love because it’s all very well and good you leaving in a year but what about all the time between now and then? It’s not just a stop gap that you have to fill, this is your life that you’re living. The university could blow up tomorrow and then what? What about tomorrow? What do you want to do? Not what you think you’re going to do or what you think you have to do but what do you want to do? You can make money any way you like.”
Her voice carried an intensity which could seem somewhat interrogatory, but the power of her voice is just what happens when a person channels. I understand that and it comforts me. It comforts me that I’m not just being fed bullshit, because you can’t lie to me.
“You’re in your living environment because of service and security” she said, sitting down and somewhat taking over from her son’s reading.
“You had a karmic contract. You’re scared. The conditioning of the old paradigm has scared you and you don’t know how to get out of it”. She pulled another card from the top of the deck. The strength card. “You met us because we’re family. We are helping you see the way forward. The way that’s right for you. You’ve been trapped and you need to see the truth”.
The Shamans son began adding to his reading again.
He picked up on the way that my belief system around men is damaged. The way that I feel obliged to do so much and take on a certain role. The way that I become very one track minded and set on a singular person in relationships. He picked up on me feeling trapped by all the labels and perceptions of me people had developed over time, wanting to break free from them.
All true and valid.
He said that there was an undiscovered tool that will help me in the next stage of my life. Whether that be a qualification, a piece of information, or an unrecognised skill is unknown. But there’s something I haven’t found yet and its because my intuition is completely blocked. Or at least it was at the time.
“You have an obvious life purpose working with kids. Helping children and young people. Empowering young girls is what I got” the shaman added.
Her son reminded me that people see me in a much different light to the way that I see myself. People don’t see the struggle, or recognise what I’m going through, and they don’t understand when I say that I feel like its too much because I don’t come across that way. I keep it to myself.
I’m so glad I met these people.
Other than that, somewhat frustratingly, I was told that I just have to keep doing what I’m doing. Just without the doing of too much. Because I will be successful, even if I don’t know how.
We spoke around the table for a bit. Myself, her, and her four kids. It was strangely homely, but the piercing pain in my right temple started shooting too intensely for me to be discreet about. I’d been there for 7 hours now and we spoke about life, the universe and everything in very profound terms over dinner, cake, tea and tarot cards. The energy was too much for my out of practice brain. I began massaging my head hoping that I wouldn’t pass out and the shaman drove me home.
The whole way she spoke about one thing to the next, thinking out loud, apologising if she came across too strong about the uni thing. I just laughed.
“Now I want you to treat yourself like family to us darl’n” she said with a really comforting Suffolk twang. Years of travelling didn’t swipe that off her tongue. “You are tribe. You can always just get the bus up to Wickham market and I’ll drive you from there, I’d like you to be there on my birthday please.”
I got out of the car and went straight to bed. When I woke up in the morning the headache was still there, and nothing felt more out of place than me going to work, so I called in sick. And for the first few hours of my morning all that was going through my head was, “what the fuck?”.
It took me a couple of days to process everything.
“I’ll make a facebook group. If we do it and set it in place she’ll come” Jax said with a knowing look on his face.
Jax is the Shaman’s son. The blonde guy.
Shamanka was still sat next to him around the table speaking very quickly about how she doesn’t know what she’s meant to be doing right now and nothing feels right to her. She continued to talk through Jax’s comment, too caught up in her thoughts. She’s tired of people and she feels like we don’t need her anymore. She makes me smile when she talks because its so frantic.
We’ve arranged to start holding a circle every now and then just to be in a familiar and powerful energy. To figure out where to go from here.
A circle is literally just a group of people who gel well together and have a lot of spiritual energy putting into a safe space. It’s really powerful and it helps you find direction.
A circle is a very important thing to have if you have somewhat of a profound purpose, or if you’re not sure how to use the energy you have for the good of yourself and everyone around you. If you have a strong energy, it’s likely that life hasn’t been easy for you. You need support, authenticity, and integrity to find your circle. Once you find it it feels like we belong in this group because you’re all so like minded.
Shamanka was ready to hold her own circle at the age of 25 after she performed reiki to her teacher. She had bowel cancer and made a miraculous recovery at the second screening. During that reiki session Shamanka claims to have seen some insane shit. Dark energies, old experiences, past lives. All the emotions coming out of this lady on the table before her.
Once you know every key on the keyboard, dark and light, ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, you can use them and choose what energy you need to be in at any given time. That’s when you’re ready to hold your own circle.
Shamanka had shared with us all these workshops and exercises and activities she has used in numerous groups across many different countries over the years to help people that just aren’t being used anymore.
An activity which helps you change your own life completely, one to shift your karma, another to heal yourself, remove your chakras. It’s all energy work, I’m familiar with it and I’ve dabbled before- but it’s easy to become cynical and write it off as bullshit when you’re all alone in somewhat of a cruel world. It’s easy to forget your power when you give it away too much.
“I’ve offered you a job” she told me sternly. “If you can get bums on the chairs you can come and work for me, I won’t pay you pittance. To me business is business”.
Two days on I’m sitting in my room, safe in the knowledge that everything will somehow be alright but wondering how this is gonna come about.
For the last 6 months to a year I’ve been in complete survival mode, sometimes thinking I’m literally gonna pass away. That sounds funny to say because it’s dramatic, I’m not sick, I’ve just been in some terrible situations.
Being in survival mode has meant I’ve been in a really harsh, quite masculine energy. Earn a lot of money, don’t pay attention to what feels right, do what will bring about material goods in a tangible way, don’t take risks, and one day it will all pay off. Don’t depend on anyone, they won’t do you good enough- but what they think of you is SO important so never let your guard down. Do everything and just carry on with whatever works.
That’s the way a lot of people live their lives, and I don’t know how. I actually don’t know how because I have never experienced such low points or general chaos than being in resistance like that.
Now, I’ve got this group of people who I’ve unknowingly been getting ready to meet, straight up reminding me who I am and how to live my life.
A day after meeting them I snapped out of it completely.
And now, I just have to wait for it to come to me. Literally just carry on going with the flow until further instruction as to what to do next comes to me.
You can’t push for knowledge like that because that’s how you end up wearing yourself thin.
Shamanka gave me two pieces of ‘homework’ for when I went away.
Write down ten things that I would like to be/ do/ have if time and money were no object, and ask myself how I can give them things to myself today. Without waiting for something or depending on something.
Write down ten skills I have. Not only to redeem my self-worth, but also to ask myself ‘how can I use this to make a difference to other people, and how can I make a living with this’.