diary entry 6 // the last one

There comes a time in life where you have to look at your past, bow your head to it, and let it go.

You can’t be sucked up in the same old story forever.

It’s been about a month since I started this ‘healing project’ and I have reached a level of contentment that I genuinely thought was unattainable. That may be surprising seeing that everything I’ve written has been doom and gloom with a hint of motivation; but I just had to let it out.

I thought that to be content, I would have to move away, or be rich, or be married, or have my memory wiped and all my wrongs made right. But I don’t.

I just have to handle my shit.

Give myself the opportunity to be understood and all that.

Following an all too familiar argument, and having my place in a home that isn’t even mine threatened (for the millionth time since I was about 10), I have decided to embrace my free spirited nature and just cut loose. What am I hanging on to? Most of all, why am I keeping myself here?

Adulting is v difficult, but it’s so much more overwhelming when you’re carrying the narrative of trauma on your back. The narrative of ‘don’t talk about it, don’t let them know you’re struggling, hide it all and be ashamed of it’.

Trauma is obviously a valid thing that contributes to a person’s sanity, but once trauma has been addressed, you have to let it go before you become the people that caused you pain.

That’s the whole point of addressing it. Just to acknowledge how we can do things differently, how to stop hurting from the past. Not to dwell on it and become a bitter old crone.

Hurt people hurt people. That’s why we need to heal.

You don’t owe anyone shit, but you owe yourself the satisfaction of knowing that you are a good person.

There are things that I will never write about for the whole of the internet to see. There are memories that are mine and mine only, there are wounds that I’m not going to just expose to anyone; and I will never throw anyone under the bus. I’ve said all that I’ve needed to say in order to be understood.

That was the purpose of this.

To just explain.

I don’t need anybody to be the bad guy in my story. We’re all just messed up people.

I am so thankful for this last month. It has been so powerfully gentle. Things are so different now, and so is my work. I feel like my feet are on the ground now.

It’s a bit bittersweet.

I said goodbye to my little sister the other day. I need to get away and live my own life, but that little girl is my sunshine and those big blue eyes and that crazy mop of hair made things so bearable.

She will always be in my life, she’s my sister, but I won’t be woken up by her running through to the room I’m sleeping in anymore. I won’t be there to tuck her in every now and then when she’s sleepy and dopey and maybe a little bit moody.

I just hope that the world is really kind to her. I hope people are patient with her and I hope she is met with an unimaginable force of compassion and understanding. I know she will be, but it’s weird letting go a bit and not being Miss Protective. I already can’t wait to see her again.

I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by the most supportive group of friends, and I guess I’m soft enough for them to be able to be like family to me now. We just help each other. Not because we’re obliged to but because we want to see each other do well.

It really is just mad how things have changed just because my perspective has switched.

Lack is definitely a mindset thing.

Thanks for reading the depressing articles, if you have. Thanks for understanding, if that’s what you were aiming to do. Thank you for being somewhat involved, just as a spectator. It might not have made any sense, and I certainly don’t expect any of it to have got read, but it’s out there so you never know. This is something that I just did for me.

It’s been a wild ride, and this is the final ‘diary entry’.

You can change things in a month, it just takes commitment. Commitment and a whole load of patience.

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