Creating stability after loss

I’ve been blogging more frequently because I’m sharing lessons. If I don’t blog for a large amount of time, just assume that I am making mistakes and I’ll be back one day with a huge wad of things I’ve been pushed to learn.

I like to share, so this is today’s epiphany.  

To recap, in my last blog I basically admit to you readers that I’ve had an absolutely mental year, I recognise that I lost myself and forgot myself because I did not have a grounded life.

Life is full of imbalance; it will be unbalanced. You cannot project your turmoil on to another person free of consequence, it will always come back to bite you. Life is full of triggers and shocks, therefore it is your duty to create a life which encourages you to be who you consciously want to be.

It’s all very well and good being able to recognise ‘I feel angry so I am going to go to the gym’ but the fact is that we won’t do that every time we are angry. Frankly we are too busy being angry. This is why it’s important to implement structure in your life, so you know on a Tuesday you go to an exercise class and get it all out and then you can maintain balance for the rest of the week.

I feel best when I am loving, compassionate, kind, and of service to people. I love making people happy. I love making people feel like they are at home and like they’re free to be authentic. This is who I consciously want to be.

So then you have to ask ‘what do I need in order to be that person’.

We naturally experience anger, resentment, volatility, malice, sadness, anxiety and hysteria. These things will never go away nor are they ‘bad’ things that should be shunned and not talked about. We need to create outlets which encourage us to manage these emotions, so that we are able to be who we want to be.

Before I lost balance, I was the person I wanted to be. I had outlets such as exercise classes where I could be expressive and strong. I had work which allowed me to be creative and learn about the world. I had my little sister.

I visited my little sister once a week, sometimes more or sometimes less, and seeing her filled me with enough love and compassion to be kind and understanding towards everyone else each week.

Even when people were mean to me, or didn’t treat me right. I loved my little sister so much that putting in the effort to understand her at least one day a week was enough to influence me to understand everyone else in my life for the other six. I had the understanding to recognise that other people’s rudeness is not personal and it doesn’t have to affect me. This was the person my little sister taught me to be.

I lost my little sister. Since that, I have lost my compassion.

I got through the loss in the sense that I made peace with life without her. I grieved her. I learned to get on, I learned to be safe in the knowledge that she is okay. But I never acknowledged the way that the role of a compassionate and understanding guardian was taken from me.

That indicates to me that I need to find a way to put myself back in that state. You see?

We need to create a life by consciously deciding which roles we want to play.

For now, my compassion comes from heartache, but that is not sustainable.

My understanding comes from caring for children we do respite care for, but that is not sustainable.

Those things can be taken from me, and when they are, I will not know how to maintain compassion.

So I will make the conscious decision to invest myself in a charity/ cause which helps me maintain that state of balance.

I have enrolled myself to voulenteer for a local childrens charity. I searched charities and as soon as I saw it come up I got a pull in the pit of my stomach, a feeling like I wanted to scream in my throat, and I cried with love when I saw the pictures of the children this charity helps. This is the first time I cried about missing my sister since the last time I saw her. I am so, unbelievably excited to start.

When Joey from Friends says there’s no such thing as a selfless good deed he was really on to something. But as long as it’s a fair trade, you need a degree of selfishness to be there for someone without seeing them as a burden.

I wanted to share this because when we process loss we can overcome the grief without realising the affect it has on us.

I am still learning.  

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