The theme for me in 2021 has been learning to shut the fuck up, because not to be that bitch but as an aries sun/ scorpio rising I personally find it exceptionally hard to not choose violence.
Presenting yourself in that kind of way, sharing every passing thought and frustration, does nothing but make you look like an unapproachable, powerless and obnoxious know it all. Eventually you stop laughing. That is a waste of life, beloved.
There is nothing more boring than the look of my twitter feed before I tripped on acid and deleted nearly everything I produced in the last year or so. There is nothing more boring than entering a social media platform, perceiving the world as being in turmoil, and then ranting into abyss in the hopes that it will change something. You gotta use that energy and shift some things hun. Starting with what your personal life looks like and how you feel if you weren’t on social media full stop.
Since being at uni I have had the opportunity to see my life as my own, and really feel what it is like to have no attachments. When someone grows up feeling powerless in some way, there comes a point where the desire to be recognised and attempts to be heard turns to self sabotage.
At the turn of 21 all sense of petty ‘look at me’ rebellion left my body. I moved away and my life began to feel like an empty road that I get to choose. For the first time I really felt like any restrictions or previous reasons I believed held me back were just something that I made up.
To cut myself some slack I had many escape plans, career routes, travels planned and aspirations over the years. From February onwards I was meant to be an au pair in Italy, stay with my best friend in Ireland, and do loads of cool stuff before I went to uni- and i didn’t make up coronavirus. The point remains.
We all have our stories and reasons for things. I’m sure everyone has our reasons to be angry.
There is nothing more disempowering than holding on to the narrative that you are the way you are because of someone else.
I have in the past been very messy (teehee) and have openly spoken about all the personal issues and reasons why I was going off the rails. I don’t know if I overestimate the amount I was sharing in years gone by or if I deep it more because it’s personal, but I got the reputation of a messy bitch too. Always in some kind of chaotic situation on a night out, all fun ended in chaos, all that stuff.
It was interesting and there is a portion of that messiness that I miss if I am being real with you. The thrill of escapism and a sense of chaotic recognition I got from that, as well as the excitement of the toxic boundary-less relationships. But I had to stop behaving like that because I always sort of knew I was just playing a role. And I could see me getting too drunk and once in a while drunkenly talking about all the reasons I was sad and chaotic, and waking up wishing my arsehole would swallow me up and I didn’t have to face the world. I felt like I didn’t want to just be like an old person looking back and still feeling pathetic, cos that is actually very lame to be honest. It’s sad but its lame.
So, backstory given, in 2021 I have been reading and trying to harness my voice/ reactivity to things.
I have been observing people around me, seeing parts of me in other people that annoy me just that little bit more cos I see those things in myself.
I’ve learned some things that I hope to carry with me.
The first has been a concept that’s talked about in ‘The Courage to be Disliked’; its based on adlerian psychology. It says that believing in trauma is essentially a waste of time, and we should shift our focus away from cause/effect psychology and on to the idea that we all operate with goals in mind.
I am a believer in cause and effect psychology because it just is true isn’t it. I think it would benefit every single human being on this earth to cast their minds back to childhood and do the maths to see why they ended up the way they did- but not to make excuses. That is where many people get stuck. Just to see what parts of you would benefit from being switched up a bit, adding a little bit of spice here and there.
Adlerian psychology says that we take cause and effect psychology and render ourselves victim to it. “I can’t possibly do x because y happened in my childhood and now I can’t possibly do that ever no sir thanks”. Alderian psychology says that we have goals and then bring up memories to act as an excuse and remain stagnant in that perspective. I have been trying to use that when I get random flashbacks to events that bring me anger, and it is really empowering. Playing the victim is truly self-sabotage in its highest form because at the end of the day we are giving another complex human being with their own baggage and excuses the power to knock us on our arses for longer than they are in our lives. This perspective reminds us that if we see the goal, we can change the goal, and therefore we really are holding all the cards at any given time.
The emotion hasn’t fully gone away from me yet, I am at times 5”2 full of absolute pure unadulterated rage, but I feel that emotion serves a purpose in terms of creation. The fact of the matter is that I am not even half as physically active as I would be in times of unpandemic, and I’m not as preoccupied either. Emotion gives you energy to change things or create things.
Another cool thing I’ve learned about is victim mentality. Laura Ansell, a youtuber I’ve watched for years, put out a live video speaking about it recently which I absolutely loved. She put out a three piece series on the labels ADHD, BPD, and Depression (conditions she has either been diagnosed with, around, generally knows an awful lot about). You don’t have to agree with every single thing to appreciate the knowledge that a new perspective can bring you. After receiving a lot of (expected) backlash from spitting some empowering truths, she responded with this video about being “shiny, not whiney”.
She talked about how when we are a kid, we learn this response from adults. If we act different, or weird in response to something that makes us feel upset and victimised, adults eventually pick up on it and comfort us and we make connection. We learn that pattern, and become sulky adults without really acknowledging it. We stick to our labels, find reason to be victimised, because ultimately we want to be comforted and we want to feel that sense of security we wanted as a child. To stop this sulky ass victim mentality we have to basically reparent ourselves, notice when that victim “ItS JusT ThE WaY I aM YoU doN’T GeT mY StRuGGlE” vibe rises, and tell that inner child ‘no boo that’s not how its done’. I think that’s hella important and you just know she got so much hate on that because people don’t wanna be hit that hard in the feelings.
As for the general workings of the outside world, as the great Gemma Collins once said, I’m not getting involved.
The energy we embody is the energy that anchors in change, and shifts the world. If your energy is focussed on reacting to the irresponsible media who consistently release highly emotional and completely conflicting headlines within each 24 hour period- it’s up to you to be honest and ask yourself if that is really making change. Same with the confused warriors of the world who decide every single slip up in terminology, or contrasting viewpoint to yours is an imperative problem that needs attacking on tiktok.
I always wished that I could write something one day that would get someone out of a position they felt stuck and abandoned in. There truly is nothing worse than being left in a mess with no idea how to get out of it and feeling completely powerless about it.
The only way I feel I got out of that was by changing myself and getting to a point of such anger that I refused to take ownership of anybody elses baggage. Let it be a mess.
It is time to put on your big boy pants ladies and gentleman. This is some coming of age shit we can potentially step into.
Power is given to what you give power to, and I don’t want to know. I don’t care. I care about me myself and I. I care about the messages I bring through to the world that I think are useful, I care about doing no harm and taking no shit, I don’t care about silly playground Eton boys.
If you have some spare cash, treat your nurse friends to a just eat voucher. Don’t talk to them about politics unless they bring it up first. For the love of fuck. God bless you, I love you, you’re doing amazing.
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