closure / spiralling

Something that will change your life rapidly and have you feeling far more grown is being able to recognise and respond to patterns in your life.

Almost a year ago I was going through some things and I wrote about the Zeigarnik effect.

I wrote about why we struggle to find closure when ending a pattern.

I wrote about it again in more ‘spiritual’ terms- because more often than not you need things communicated to you in a whole bunch of ways before the penny really drops and you really learn something.

What I didn’t realise then (as I was just finding my footing myself) is that there is no closure.

There’s no closure with your bad relationship with your parents, or with the ex-partner you still meet up with, or with the childhood friend that you still wonder about from time to time.

Time and life keeps moving and there comes a point where if you don’t move on with it, it just gets a bit sad.

So there is no closure. There is no ‘one day’ where suddenly you will wake up and feel alright, but there will be lots of days with lots of mixed emotions, and there will be little poofs of realisation that hits you randomly throughout the day.
And then, 6 months to a year down the line, more of your days will be good than bad. Its all about learning to use your consciousness. Learning that ultimately, you are the one who controls your life.

That doesn’t happen by magic though. That happens because you’ve worked on yourself.

In that profound almost year of really growing up (for once) and healing properly, whilst encompassed by obligations and a job and several pressures to get my life together; I wrote this.

I wrote it because I realised (in all my impulsiveness) that these patterns had to come to an end. They came to an end because I chose alternative paths, and I wanted to share the fun things I did to get there.

Yesterday something happened that upset me. And I felt the same way I felt back then, and I felt the same way I did when I was a wounded little girl- but I responded differently.

I didn’t kick up a fuss, I didn’t even respond- I just thought to myself “I am worth more than the response I would give”.

I cried a little, but I wasn’t asking myself “why am I not enough?”. I cried because there was a space to fill in my life where that pattern used to be and I haven’t filled it yet.

That was a real sign of growth to me. When you have moments like that where the future is more of a priority than schemes to get back in the good books of familiarity, it’s a really proud moment. Realising that you are enough is really beautiful.

Anyway, that was a necessary tangent to get to what I wanted to discuss.

When I was hit with that little curve ball yesterday, I was upset.

When I was younger, I would have looked for a distraction. A party, some company (not really caring who), anything to get me out of my current situation.

Ultimately, I ended up worse off than whoever/ whatever had upset me, and it was a waste of my time and energy.

Being trapped is a cycle is boring. So I realised I had a choice in that moment.

What is the most effective thing I can do for myself?

Where do I put this feeling?

Last night in particular I chose to turn my attention to work and creativity- and then arrange a holiday with my best friend. Instead of dwelling on rejection I decided that my life is great. It is so fantastic, genuinely- because I have the freedom and ability to pick a member of a family that I chose and crafted for myself, and I get to turn my hand to one of many of my skills and hobbies, and I get to generate money to do something enjoyable.

How could I be sad when I have come so far? When I am so valued and loved not only by myself but also by people who have no obligation to be in my life.

I also chose to laugh about it (through my tears for comedic effect).

Here are some other things I do when I am emotional. In sharing it might be entertaining or give one of you readers some ideas for yourself.

  • Hula Hoop

In the summer I was dealing with so many feelings of rage that it was exhausting. I want a toned waist, I’m angry, I miss having fun, boom get a hula hoop.

Then every time I was angry I would go into the garden and hula hoop- when I realised that the concept of aggressive hula hooping to angry girl music by Deap Vally was funny I just couldn’t be angry anymore. Then I thought about how great I am for being so hilarious.

Get yourself a hula hoop, it’s self care.

  • Practice juggling

I am still learning to juggle because I have small hands. It takes a lot of concentration, and the act of doing something that literal clowns do is fun, consuming, and puts things into perspective.

  • Practice the ukulele

Again, still learning- but music is a very big part of my life and the way I feel things so by learning an instrument I’m learning to communicate in a way that I feel really proud of.

  • Get out of the house (accompanied or not)
  • Speak to someone I know will be good for me to talk to. Not somebody who will just tell me what I want to hear.
  • Write a list (or just remind myself) what I want out of life and what I want it to look like. Does what has upset me affect this plan for myself? Is it just a petty dispute? Is it the universe helping me to become more aligned with what I want? Would reacting be self-sabotage?
  • Sing a song that really relates to what I’m going through- but in a positive way. I have a whole happy playlist to stop me from spiralling. Examples include ‘Good as Hell’ by Lizzo. ‘That’s life’ by Frank Sinatra. Don’t listen to sad music when sad. Then scream it out.
  • If you need to get out of a situation, visualise your exit route.

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