A Solitary Path

I walk a pretty solitary path in life, so I don’t know how relatable this is going to be. 

A general rule of thumb I have found though, is if I am vulnerable as fuck no matter how terrifying it may seem, it generally pays off in the better interest of myself and sometimes other people too. 

A lot of people will not like me at all. A lot of people will not understand me at all and to be honest it will be easier not to. I am difficult to be around for many, and if you are going to be around me, you will end up analysing yourself a lot. I don’t do this on purpose. This is just who I am. If you’re willing to look at yourself, I can be really good for people. If you’re scared and don’t wanna look at yourself, people are gonna hate me. 

It may sound like I’m explaining myself, or beating myself up, or maybe even that I’m being arrogant or whatever, but I’m not. For the first time, I’m genuinely stable and happy with who I am, and I’m eager to share it with the world. 

This is why I’m here for some reason. These are things I used to resent, but they’re who I am, and there must be reason for that- so I have grown to accept and love this. I can’t water it down because it’s who I am, and by the same token I can’t blame people from not wanting to be around that all the time. 

I found my way as I got older after several breakdowns and years of resenting these things about myself. I just got to the point where I had to finally face myself, see it all and call myself out for my own bullshit of running away from myself. 

Things are not gonna run true for everyone, but everybody has their own individual truth. How they understand things, how they understand other people, how they understand the world. 

I am wrong about a lot of things when I make impulsive decisions, I am very bad at doing actual real life work which doesn’t suit me, using common sense, etc. I am very good at showing people the truth. 

That one little side of me that insists I’m always talking shit is now flaring up and saying “How do you know it’s the truth!! Don’t be such a narcissist! Stop telling people how to live!” but then I’m not telling people how to live. I write, people read, people come to me for advice, and the feedback I get is always a projection of how they have responded to me rather than a reflection of my own character. 

I had a little wobble today and I reconsidered a lot. What if I’m chatting shit? What if I need to do things differently? What if I’m not enough? This happens a lot when you’re in my brain. I can only assume other people relate.

But after about 5 minutes of mild contemplation, and after having gone through 2018 which was notorious for being an absolute bastard of a year when it came down to learning about yourself- I remembered who I am. 

People do not have to listen to me, people do not have to respond to me. I am just me, and I love and accept me, and I am comforted by my own truth and my own intuitions and feelings of what is right. 

Other people are none of my business. I hit home for people because I am vulnerable. Like that one from camp rock said, this is real this is me.

My beliefs and truths and ways of living are like the centre of what keeps me sane as I’m being followed around by this huge tornado that is life. People, chaos, constant change. 

That doesn’t mean I’ve just stopped growing. I’m always making mistakes and finding out new stuff about myself, I’m increasingly aware of how much there is to learn about the world- but through it all I have my truths and beliefs that just feel untouchable to me because they are right to me. It’s how I understand the world. 

If I doubt myself, I step into that tornado, and I am tempted by things which don’t suit me. It always backfires. I ruin my life for a brief moment. 

So I’ve had to just embrace my centre and get to know my truth and stick with it in the face of everything. Funnily enough, I have found that when I am being exactly who I feel as though I was designed to be, everything works out. 

This isn’t easy. I blogged my way through a lot of my self discovery last year but even that doesn’t quite capture how difficult it was. I had no choice in it either. There is only so much (dis)comfort my words can bring, a lot of it  is your own fight. Believe it or not, I’m here to try and show the rest of the world that you’re not all mad for feeling certain ways. That being said, you don’t have to believe me. 

I bare no judgement to people who don’t respond well to me, and for the reasons I have described, I don’t believe that you should either. Nobody is superior, we’re all just different, and there’s a reason for that. I also now am not affected by the fact that people may not like me, or at least they may not like how I am or what I bring out in them. All you can do is understand, and return to your own centre. 

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