A big part of learning boundaries and how to take control of my life has involved changing my relationship with social media. Nobody needs to see or hear that much of me. People form opinions of me based off what I say without even knowing me or my intentions. Not only is that a bit fucked, it’s also hurtful.
While I’m sure many people will still find a million reasons to dislike me or think I’m up my own arse, or too loud and opinionated during the course of my life- I don’t and won’t care until I realise it for myself. Cos my opinion is the only one that matters (lol) and a human being’s consciousness and ego exists to help a person survive; not to be concerned with what karen, sam, delilah and sandra’s mum think about the slice of me that exists in their heads.
In 2020, with the disintegration and loss of every familiarity society knows, I moved away and learned that shit happens.
From the moment you are born, there is shit inevitably going on around you that you automatically become tied up in.
Depending on your family or circumstance, you may find yourself accustomed to entanglements, repeating chaos for the rest of your life- or you may do anything to escape it.
It gets to the point where shit going on around you feels comfortable, in a hellish way.
I think 2020 has made me realise that shit happens around you and you’re entangled in it from birth. The most painful and traumatic parts of life are the parts where you become separated from the contracts you were born into.
When something gets taken away, when a person is taken from your life, when you have to move, when you carry the weights of your ancestors trauma on your back.
You realise that you are different, and the lack of familiarity is so painful.
However in that pain, or from that pain, there is also a sense of liberation.
We are able to build from that. And that feels blissful. It feels so calm.
As per my previous blog, all about sobriety (ironic), I one day intend on going sober. I think I may have drunk my last drop of the devils fruit juice- but I actually realised a pattern from getting smashed a couple of nights ago.
3 new years ago I invented a version of myself that made many chaotic friendships. My identity then was to ignore my own trainwreck of a life and instead help everybody else with theirs. Talking about consciousness and things they do not understand, things that I have a little perspective on being a ‘PsYChIc’.
I do not want to be the ‘WoUnDed HeaLer’ anymore that gets drunk and has intellectual conversations. I do not want to talk about the universe unless it is with someone likeminded or unless I am getting paid. It makes me feel misunderstood and bored. I am actually quite fun, but people only notice that when I am blackout.
The drunkenness is noise and I want to be a hermit until further notice.
I don’t give a fuck if this doesnt make any sense.
Happy new year, love yas xx